Here we go. Hollywood’s biggest night hits us like a mac truck on Sunday. The Skitoliv World will watch not a single minute of this self-aggrandizement party; however, I feel it is my duty to tell you who is nominated, and who should win this great event.

(Author’s Note: The Skitoliv World has not seen any of the movies nominated this year, so he is basing his description on what he saw in the previews.)

Best motion picture of the year

Babel - I know people who have actually seen this movie and can not tell me what it is about. In the preview, we see Brad Pitt yelling "My wife has been shot!" Then there is a lot of him running around in a very dry and dusty setting, then there is an inexplicable shot of what looks like a wedding. What the hell is going here?!? In my opinion, the general populace should be able to get the general gist of a film even if they have not seen it. There is nothing in the preview that makes me think, "Damn! That looks like the best movie of the year! I need to go see that!"

The Departed - Great, great trailer for this movie. Right off the bat, you know what is going on here, Jack Nicholson states "I got a rat in my crew." Ok, we know it is a cop drama, where the good guys (cops) are trying to bring down Nicholson’s mob boss. Scorsese helms this project, meaning that there is tons of violence and lots of moral ambiguity. There are tons of people in this movie, yet this movie can not win Best Picture as Leo DiCaprio is in it. DiCaprio must be made to suffer as he was in the abysmally bad "Titanic" which somehow won Best Picture, therefore everyone associated with that picture can never ever be part of a movie to win Best Picture.

Letters From Iwo Jima - The Commander and Big Jude saw this film and thought it was fantastic. Director Clint Eastwood, crafts an epic-film about the Battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese defenders view point. I find this to be an interesting concept as most war-films come from the American point of view, showing the Japanese as the "bad guys." Now, we get to see what the war was like from the "bad guys" point of view.

Little Miss Sunshine - Yet another film that follows the blue-print of a trailer that tells you nothing about the film. This film deals with your stereo-typical dysfunctional family on a road-trip to go to a pageant of some sort. This film became the darling of the critics who like to make bold statements about what is and what is not a good movie. The Actress saw the film and did not get what all the hype was about. The main thing that appears to happen is that the dysfunctional family drives around in a van AND THE HILARITY ENSUES!!!! LOOK AT HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL THEY ARE, LAUGH AT THEIR PAIN!!!! Stupid premise, haven’t we seen this before?

The Queen - This movie deals with Queen Elizabeth following the death of the much loved (not by Liz) Princess Diana. The hype surrounding this film deals mostly with Helen Mirren’s portrayal of the British monarch. The Skitoliv World again would like to state how little interest it has in the British Royal family.

The Guardian - The drama of the year in the mind of The Skitoliv World. You are completely sucked into this film, you really feel for the characters on every level. The movie truly speaks to you and  to everyone on all levels regardless of gender, race, or religious beliefs. The Coast Guard needs to have regular showings of this film as a recruiting tool.

Projected Winner: The Guardian, when Ashton Kutcher goes up to accept on behalf of the cast and crew, Justin Timberlake jumps out and says "You got punked Dude!!!"

Real Projection: Letters From Iwo Jima

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND - This movie got a big WTF from The Skitoliv World upon seeing the trailer. When is Hollywood going to learn that DiCaprio can not play a "bad-ass"? He constantly looks like a 12-year old.Do the casting agents sit around and say, "You know who would be perfect to play a south-african mercenary? DiCaprio! He is the baddest of the bad, the coolest of the cool". Also I am not sure which accent is worse, his Rhodesian one here or his South Boston one in The Departed.

Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON - Gosling plays a drug-addled teacher trying to inspire a young inner-city girl not to run drugs for the local drug dealer. Sounds like a real hoot! Did this movie ever come out in the theaters? Can it be the best performance if no one has seen the movie?

Peter O’Toole - VENUS - Peter O’Toole plays some old actor in England that falls in love with his friend’s very young niece. Sounds super to me. How many movies do we need to see where an old guy gets re-invigorated by a young attractive woman? There is really nothing original in this film. I re-iterate, if no one saw this movie how can they be sure his performance is the best. With Gosling in Half-Nelson included, do the critics just pick absurdly random films that approximately 12 people have seen? Then do they say, "People will think we are so deep. We actually get this film. We can sound very condescending to the masses because they can not appreciate the enormity of this performance, but we can!"

Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS - When the Duck and I saw this trailer, I looked at her and said "So, this is Will Smith begging for an Oscar." Based on a true story, man down on his luck seeks a better life, blah-blah-blah. Again, we have seen this sooooooo many times before. I liked the concept much better when it was called "Down and Out in Beverly Hills."

Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND - Forest Whitaker portrays Ugandan dictator Idi Amin. What got me about this preview is that it shows the duality of Amin through the eyes of his doctor. This looks like an interesting film about a charismatic/murderous figure. However, the Academy needs to penalize Whitaker for directing "First Daughter" starring Katie Holmes, who actually believes that she has brainwashed souls attached to her body. (Yes dear readers, there is a dig on scientology, I know you were waiting for it.)

Kevin Costner - THE GUARDIAN - Costner’s portrayal of a seasoned Coast Guard rescue diver transcends the screen. Watching him, you actually get the feeling of what it is like to jump out of helicopters and save fisherman up in Alaska. His flat Midwestern twang adds what is needed for those impact lines such as "I swim as fast as I can, as hard as I can, and the sea takes the rest." 

Projected Winner - Kevin Costner - The Guardian -Costner makes his way to the stage where he is promptly attacked by the outraged audience, most of whom have never forgiven him for making the Postman.

Real Projected Winner - Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Penélope Cruz - VOLVER - The Skitoliv World was completely blown away by the trailer for this film. Not only do you have no idea what it is about, the actors are speaking Spanish, so unless you are fluent, you have no idea what they are talking about. The only thing I can figure is that Penelope kills somebody, as that is the only thing she says throughout the entire trailer. This is true Oscar material.

Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL - There must be a rule somewhere that states Judi Dench must be nominated for an Oscar every single year. Look, she is a talented actress, but are we to believe she turns in one of the best performances of the year every single year? Here she plays some frumpy teacher that catches her younger, hotter teacher colleague in an affair with a student. Whoop-dee-do. Yeah, that sounds like a performance worthy of an Oscar.

Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN - Mirren portrays Queen Elizabeth during the time after Princess Diana’s death. I imagine it was very difficult to deal with the death of such a popular figure. Yet, again, The Skitoliv World likes to point out that America fought a war in order to not deal with the British Royals, so I could care less what the Queen went through.

Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA - I believe Meryl Streep has been nominated for an academy award every single year for the past 200 years. Eventually the five nominees are going to be Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench and Meryl Streep. Here she plays an over-the-top fashion magazine editor who may or may not be the devil. I could not even watch the preview for this film as I AM A GUY!!!

Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN - Well, here it is. The movie to end all movies. Winslet portrays a suburban mother who starts an affair with the father of her daughter’s friend. Lots of angst in this film, as Kate says "I don’t want to live with unhappiness." So we have bored suburbanites hiding an affair from their spouses. I think this was better when it was called Fatal Attraction and worse when it was called What Lies Beneath.

Ashton Kutcher - THE GUARDIAN - Ashton made a bold move and cut of his trademark flowing locks for this role as novice Coast Guard diver. She is of course the hot-head of the group, constantly clashing with fellow Oscar contender Kevin Costner, but she does it due to the haunted past she is trying to recover from. This is Kutcher’s Lawrence of Arabia.

Projected Winner - Ashton Kutcher - The Guardian - The audience is later surprised when Kutcher is stripped of this award due to his not being a woman. I know, I am as shocked as you are.

Real Winner - Hellen Mirren - The Queen - Everyone says she is great, so she must be.

…just freakin’ wow!

The only rationale behind this bizarre behavior; Brit was jealous of all the publicity that Vicky Marshal (Anna Nicole) was recieving due to her death.

The former Mrs. Federline now jumps to the top of the Train Wrecks list.

No dear readers, I am not referring to The Skitoliv World. I am referring to the world in general. Those of us that have a long commute to work in the morning constantly marvel at the level of stupidity exhibited by many drivers. You will see people swerving at high speed, in and out of traffic; getting right up on your bumper and hitting their steering wheel because you will not get out of their way. What possesses people to drive like a complete an utter A@@? Why do they think they can just drive like this and completely piss of all the people around them? I have the answer. The reason people drive like an A@@ during the morning; "the snooze bar".

The "snooze bar" is a small device on your alarm clock. It allows you to get a few more minutes of sleep after your alarm initially goes off. Once it goes off again, you press it for a few more minutes, and this process continues. How does this lead to people driving like an A@@? Simply stated, it makes you late in the morning, therefore you are rushing to get to work on time. For example, The Skitoliv World’s alarm clock, during the week, goes off at 5:58AM. This allows the Skitoliv World plenty of time to do morning things, shower, get dressed, eat a bagel, etc, and leave promptly at 625 to drive over to Gunning Drive and pick up the Commander for work. However, if the Skitoliv World was to press "the snooze bar", he would not get out of bed until 6:08 and not leave till 635. The delicate time balance is now offset and The Skitoliv World would need to speed and act like an A@@ to other drivers in order to make up time lost to "the snooze bar."

The Skitoliv World witnesses people fighting time lost to "the snooze bar" every day. This is more of a problem then people realize. It may become necessary for a congressional investigating committee to examine the traffic problems caused by people driving like an A@@ due to hitting their snooze bar. The Skitoliv World remains surprised that there has not been an after-school special about hitting "the snooze bar". You would see an All-American Boy, "Billy", who one day decided to hit "the snooze bar" and had to drive like an A@@ in order to make it to school in time. Yet, due to his laziness, on the way to school, he mis-timed a weave and killed four motorists, an elderly crossing guard and a truck full of puppies. We would see "Billy" wailing about how he never should have pressed the snooze bar. I think Freddie Prinze, Jr. is available and would excel at such a role.

A few random Thoughts from a Skitoliv World

*The hooplah surrounding Vicky Marshall’s (Anna Nicole) death continues to amaze. People are acting like she was some sort of super do-gooder, and not a drug-addled, plastic train wreck. Let it go, she is dead.

* The Super Bowl was a terrible game. Not entertaining in the slightest. I am glad that Payton can finally silence his critics, but he could have shoed a little more emotion. The guy is presented with the Lombardi Trophy and he looked at it like it was a Big Mouth Billy Bass.

*"Rappers 50 Cent and Irv Gotti got into an old-fashioned staredown in L.A. over the weekend at a Grammy viewing party, but Gotti blinked first, and left the Universal Music party quickly." Oh for god’s sake make it stop.

* Under the title of "somebody thought this was a good idea" Disney has been hyping the hell, including a super bowl spot, out of their latest sure-fire-money-making-smash-hit-oscar-contender, "Wild Hogs". A Buddy-road-trip-comedy, starring John "Praise be to LL.Bean Ron Hubbard" Travolta, Tim "Get ready for Santa Clause 4" Allen, Martin "You still think I am marketable and funny" Lawrence, and (wait for it) William H. "I never met a script i did not like, cause I love to work" Macy. Someone at Disney heard the pitch for this movie and actually ok’d it. Of course I am sure they thought they would not have to face-off agains t "Codename: The Cleaner" and "Alpha Dog" but…wait you mean those movies already bombed?

R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith

you did something in reality

though we are not sure if you yourself existed in reality

for some reason people though it necessary not to help you but rather leech off you

R.I.P. You tremedous train wreck

The Skitoliv World finally went skiing last weekend. Due to prior commitments (being a responsible graduate student) and the global warming experienced by the Poconos (thanks Al Gore), The Skitoliv World was unable to go skiing during 2006. Yet, the weather finally changed and the mountains were covered with man-made snow, so The Duck agreed to go skiing.

First, during the weeks leading up to this excursion, The Duck was convinced that she was going to kill herself. This was based on prior skiing experiences during her youth, "Last time, I came home with my foot in a box!" Yet, The Duck expressed an incredible amount of trust in The Skitoliv World, when he stated that he could teach her with out any real problems. The Skitoliv World having worked as a ski instructor several years ago. Joining The Duck and The Skitoliv World up at "Cahill Harbor" was the inimitable Madness (sans Kangrilla). Madness planned on joining several of his friends over at Shawnee, but The Duck and The Skitoliv World decided to head over to Jack Frost, where The Duck could learn.

Early on Saturday, Madness and The Duck watched The Skitoliv World sharpen and wax his skis. They were highly amused by this simple task, mostly remarking "he just thinks he looks like he is cool, he is not really doing anything." Madness left for Shawnee, The Duck and The Skitoliv World headed down 940 to Jack Frost. First stop, Timberline Ski Shop where The Duck picked up some rental equipment. Rental guy, "Does she need poles?", The Duck, "Of course I need poles, I need something to hit him (the Skitoliv World) with."

Once at Jack Frost, gearing up went incredibly fast and we headed out to conquer the mountain. The Duck was an incredibly fast learner, moving from snow-plow to almost parallel after her third run. This may have had something to do with the exceptional teaching provided to her by The Skitoliv World (arm hurts from patting self on back). After the third time down a green circle, The Duck pronounced herself ready for a blue square, The Skitoliv World, who never takes anyone on a trail they can not handle, agreed. The Skitoliv World quoted an old mantra from The Commander, "Use the whole hill, you paid for it." The Duck took this to heart and proceeded to conquer Easy Rider and Ridge Run by making large turns and taking her time.

The Skitoliv World said The Duck was now ready for Lehigh. The Duck was visibly nervous on the tougher Blue Square, and proceeded to take her first spill of the day on the upper headwall. It was a nice fall with her ski popping off and poles flying everywhere. Yet, she was not deterred and popped right back up and continued along her way.

We took a break due to her toes finally losing all circulation. The E-2000 lounge at Frost was pretty empty and we were able to have a quick beer. When the circulation finally restarted in her toes, The Duck was borderline in tears, that is how bad it hurt her. The Skitoliv World went and purchased some toe warmers for The Duck so that this would not repeat itself.

We headed back out. I then took The Duck on Exhibition, the hardest of Jack Frost’s Blue Squares. The Duck took a small fall on the headwall, followed by a tremendous wipe out on the lower part of the trail, snow up the back and everything. Yet, not to be deterred, she insisted that we ski Exhibition over and over again, until she made it down with out falling. Sadly, the Duck failed in this endeavor. With the crowds thickening on the mountain, we decided to call it a day.

The Duck really seemed to enjoy herself, once we got her toes taken care of. She is already jonesing to go again.