Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

Christmas has come and gone. The Skitoliv World hopes that you and yours had a happy and healthy holiday, filled with tons of joy and cheer. The New Year now hits us like a brick, especially if you have a hangover that morning, and the Skitoliv World decided it would look back at the year that just happened to it (being the Skitoliv World).

January: The Skitoliv World opened the New Year by rockin’ the casbah at Ned Devine’s in Herndon, VA. The Red Warrior, Madness, Kangril-la, Samwise and the future Duck all were there to see Chorduroy. The Red Warrior proved the big winner of the evening by locking lips with no fewer than three young ladies. The Skitoliv World continued with its MBA studies at the U taking a Winter Session class. Money, WNBA, A.K. and the Mad Transylvania all were in the class and now a year later I can not tell you what it was about. The Skitoliv World family lost their beloved Uncle Tom Mooney, the humble parish priest. I am sure he is now chasing golf balls down in heaven.

February: February saw the beginning of the best thing to ever happen; that, of course, being the first column in "Thoughts in a Skitoliv World." The Skitoliv World wants to thank Princess Johnny "The Swan" Weir for drawing our ire so badly, that the only way to get rid of it is through taking shots at you in an online blog. Once more just for fun, figure skating is the most ridiculous thing ever, and there is nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise.

Spring session began at the ‘U’ causing the Skitoliv World to lose many many hours of sleep and to wail at the uselessness of some classes.

March: The Skitoliv World almost died for the first time. The breaks on the Wraith failed, nearly causing the Skitoliv World to die in New Jersey. Fortunately, The Skitoliv World was able to get to the shoulder and coast to a stop. This was the beginning of the odyssey of the Wraith’s breaks.

March saw the wedding of the Skitoliv World’s youngest sister, Dizzy-Lizzer to A-Pells. Quite the time was had by all.

St. Patrick’s day found the Skitoliv World carrying Madness from the metro stop back to his condo. This was not so bad except for Madness being covered in his own stuff, he had a bad trip on the Metro.

April: April found the Skitoliv World slogging through the last few months of graduate school. There was still time to attend the nuptials of Kali and Andy. I have never seen as much rain as that day. The main problem being that the soon-to-be duck and I drove from Wilmington up to WNBA and BFG’s in Manayunk and then over to Balacynwyd or where ever in north Philadelphia the wedding happened. Fun times were had by all and I hope they liked the salad spinner.

May: The Skitoliv World celebrated a birthday during May. Red Warrior, WNBA and BFG accompanied the Skitoliv World to the Red Sox v Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. The Skitoliv World and the Red Warrior drew the ire of the fans by cheering for the Red Sox. They of course knew that their cheering would do this but they did not care.

The Skitoliv World graduated with his MBA. Towards the end, all the projects seemed to run together and even WNBA finally said "It is good enough, bottom line is we are all graduating."

WNBA found out she was pregnant. Still one of the funniest things of the year. "Hey you remember when I was sick last week and you told me I was pregnant? Well, I am!" The Mad Transylvania promptly named the unborn baby Preston.

The not-as-yet Duck came up to the Poconos for the first time.

June: The Skitoliv World launched its all out attack against scientology. The ridiculousness of this religion that LL Bean Ron Hubbard invented on a bet by writing down some ramblings on the back of a cocktail napkin continues to provide fodder for the column. I hope it never goes away. My newest theory is that LL Bean Ron actually did invent a great religion, but his holy text got switched with a bad sci-fi manuscript he had written and well the rest is history.

The US Soccer team failed at the World Cup, again. I know this was a shock to everyone.

July: The Skitoliv World spent five days up in the Poconos over the fourth of July. Too much hilarity ensued over that weekend. "Finally! An ice cream stand that understands my needs." "Why, yes. I am tired of hot dogs."

Matt and Stacy got married. I hope they like the gravy boat. Matt is friends with the starting OT for the Cowboys, a guy named Marc Columbo. Columbo is at least 6′5" and over 300 pounds. "One more beer and I am gonna go wrassle Columbo."- Chief. Ordinarily I encourage Chief to do stupid things when he is drunk, but even I could not let him do that.

August: The Skitoliv World once again proved it has control over the elements during DSF; eight performances and no rain. The Skitoliv World and Red Warrior stretched their beer pong streak to 2 years without a loss at DSF events.

We lost Feltz this month. A larger than life character and a good Uncle. The man once lifted a piano onto a truck by himself.

Paramount fired Tom Cruise. One of the crucial battles in the war against scientology was won by the good guys (non-scientologists).

The Skitoliv World’s older sister Em-ber married the L.T. This was so much fun with the exception of certain events that we will not go into detail about. The Skitoliv World continues to be amazed at the pettiness of some people.

September: The Skitoliv World announced that it would no longer comment on several people that dominate the headlines in the world.

The Skitoliv World also decided that scientology is a terrorist organization and should be on the no-fly list.

The real world lost Steve Irwin. "Crickey!!!" The President of PETA then stated that Steve "..got what he deserved." The Skitoliv World also believes PETA is a terrorist organization and should be disarmed.

The Duck finally was labeled "The Duck".

The L.T. and The Skitoliv World attended Chief’s bachelor party up in Boston….We think we are still hungover.

Chief and Kelly got married up at Cape Cod. The Skitoliv World and the L.T. ran into the ocean at 1 A.M. The Skitoliv World maintains this is one of the best ideas he has ever had.

October: The Skitoliv World resumed its efforts to point out all of the ridiculous things that "celebrities" do but are accepted by society.

The Skitoliv World finally got all of its stuff unpacked at the new place. Got the place all painted up and looking nice as well.

Alec Baldwin made an ass out of himself at…well does it really matter where? He seems to do that a lot.

The Duck and The Skitoliv World attended the Halloween Loop in Wilmington. They also realized that there is no longer a reason to go on this thing. Too many tourists out and about in their city!

November: The Skitoliv World announced that it would be running for Senate in 2026. The main obstacle that it hopes is resolved by then, is the lack of a viable third party. The Skitoliv World remains a registered GDI (God Damn Independent).

Apparently the Democrats are now in charge of Congress. Does it really matter? I guess it is now their fault that nothing gets done.

The Skitoliv World wrote a heat-felt, tear-jerking obituary for Kevin Federline. What? You mean he is not dead?

Tom "I am not a hetero-sexual but I play one in my own reality" Cruise married Katie "Please save me from these crazy people" Holmes. I hope they like the salad spinner I sent them.

The Skitoliv World also made the statement that celebrities should not be allowed to get married as it only ends in divorce and very ugly divorces at that.

The Skitoliv World ate not one but two complete Thanksgiving dinners this year. First one at Gunning Drive followed by another at Richards Drive home of The Duck’s Family. The World felt like it ate the world that day.

December: December has been a relatively quiet month in the Skitolv World. The Duck and The Skitoliv World have spent much time together including a fun weekend in Washington. Christmas was a great event.

The Skitoliv World was rocked by the passing of its Crazy Aunt Peg…she will never be forgotten.

Well dear readers, have a safe New Year’s celebration. The Skitoliv World will return next year will all the things it thinks you should know.

Tis the season for giving, and receiving; for running around like a crazy person; for searching and searching for that one perfect gift for a special some one, and for all those things that make the Christmas season fantastic. Like many people, I have fond memories of another Christmas tradition, holiday TV specials. The show I would like to talk about today, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer."

We all know the story, about a young reindeer who "had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows." The other reindeer put off by Rudolph’s physical abnormality, "used to laugh and call him names." The TV special brings the song to life through the magic of claymation. Upon further review, this could quite possibly be one of the worst things for a child to see. This show promotes the intolerance and humiliation of others, the exploitation of slave labor, the ridicule of those that want to be different and to use people when you need to.

You may ask, "What the hell are you talking about? Has the Skitoliv World finally lost it’s mind? Rudolph tells people not to make fun of others and to accept people for who they are!" That is where you are wrong. At the beginning of the show, Santa comes to see one of his reindeer, Donner and his wife,  give birth to another reindeer. We see the new Rudolph fawn and Santa is praising Donner for siring such a fine young reindeer; however, as soon as Rudolph’s nose glows, Santa himself leads the ridicule of this newborn. What kind of man is Santa to essentially tell Donner that he messed up, his reindeer DNA is corrupted, that they should probably be better of killing the newborn rather than letting it run around the north pole. This of course leads to Rudolph’s tragic childhood where he is ridiculed by everyone from his classmates to his "reindeer coach" who just insults him at every turn. If this movie was made today, it would take a tragic turn with Rudolph bringing a gun to his classes and killing the coach over the abuse he had been taking at his hands.

In the beginning of the film we are also introduced to a young elf named, Herbie. We are not told where the elves have come from or why they are bound to Santa to be his toy making slaves forever. (I am guessing they are cloned). As an elf, Herbie is expected to sit at his station and assemble toys for the rest of his life. Herbie questions why he needs to do this, because, get this, he wants to be a dentist. This of course is not taken well by the head elf. Yet another person that continually insults Herbie, essentially telling him he needs to leave the toy factory, therefore making him an outcast of the community (I am thinking something along the lines of the Amish and shunning).

The two main characters, Rudolph and Herbie decide that the best thing for them to do is leave Santa’s Compound. I can not think of a reason why they would stay, all that has happened to them is verbal abuse and being told they are defective, Rudolph’s own father refuses to acknowledge him. Now comes the real twist. Once these two troublemakers are gone, Santa’s compound is back to the normal run of things until a massive snow storm hits and Santa can not see well enough to pilot his sleigh. He then requests that Rudolph leads the sleigh so that he can see thanks to Rudy’s glowing nose.

This is what gets me, Santa and the others never did anything nice to Rudolph, openly mocking him, shunning him, and causing him to leave the only home he ever knew. Yet, now Santa needs him so all of a sudden, Santa is nice to him. Therefore teaching kids that it is OK to make fun of those who are different, until you need something from them. The duplicity of Santa is exposed. There is a double standard. As a kid you are taught to be nice to others or else Santa will not visit you, yet here is Santa treating a member of his family with scorn and contempt. If Santa was this jolly good guy, wouldn’t he have welcomed Rudolph despite his differences?

Thanks to Rudolph’s nose guiding the sleigh, and Herbie saving everyone from the Abominable Snowman, (who knew Abominable are afraid of pliers?) we are lead to believe that there is a happy ending. Absurd, do you think the other reindeer are now going to forget that Rudolph showed them up like that. I would bet they will now treat him like a brown-noser and a suck-up. Herbie, well, I figure he is allowed to be a dentist thanks to his Abominable Snowman muscle threatening everyone.

So dear readers, don’t let children watch this show, who knows what kind of ideas they are going to get.

I have no idea when I last posted my picks, so my running year to date count is now lost. ah well

Thursday

CINCY over Baltimore - told you so!

Sunday

ST.LOUIS over Arizona - I think the Rams need to spend every draft pick on defensive players. I think the Cardinals first four picks need to be the best Offensive Lineman available so Leinart does not get killed.

Atlanta over WASHINGTON - I think the Falcons should draft a player that can actually catch the ball. I think Washington needs to draft some better D lineman.

Dallas over NEW JERSEY GIANTS - I think the boys need to draft some better safties, i.e. ones that can actually cover people. I think the g-men need to draft better corner backs and guys that can stay healthy.

NEW ENGLAND over Detroit - I think the Pats need to draft any of the following; Jeff Smardjia, Tom Zibikowski, or Paul Pouzluzny. I think the Lions need to draft Brady Quinn and some lineman.

TENNESSEE over Indianapolis - I think the Thumbtacks need to draft some better wideouts to help VY. I think the Colts need to draft some run-stuffing d-lineman.

Jacksonville over MIAMI - I think the Jags need to draft a qb, Garrard is not the long term answer. I think the Dolphins need to draft some better offensive weapons outside of rb.

Kansas City over CLEVELAND - I think the Chiefs need to draft a few more defensive starters. I think Cleveland needs to draft Jake Long, T, Michigan.

CHICAGO over Minnesotta - I think the Bears need to seriously look at a QB in the draft, chad’s boyfriend "sexy" rexy grossman is not getting it done. I think Minnesotta needs to draft a secondary and wr’s that can catch the ball.

GREEN BAY over New Jersey Jets - I think the Packers need to draft some better secondary members. I think the Jets need to draft wideouts and D line.

San Diego over BUFFALO - I think the ‘Bolts need some better wideouts and corners from the draft. I think the Bills will need to take a long look at a QB, Losman is useless.

NEW ORLEANS over San Francisco - I think the Saints will use their picks on defensive help. I think the 49ers will draft some better lineman.

PITTSBURGH over Tampa Bay - I think the Steelers need to draft some better offensive lineman. I think the Bucs need to draft a lot of things.

Houston over OAKLAND - I think the Texans need to draft better lineman. I think that Oakland needs to draft Brady Quinn or Troy Smith.

DENVER over Seattle - I think the Broncos need to draft an Offensive lineman to protect JC for the next 10 or so years. I think the Seahawks need to draft better safeties.

Carolina over Philadelphia - I think the Panthers need to draft offensive line help. I think the Eagles need to draft Dan Conner or Paul Pozluzney.