Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

Welcome back my friends to the column that never ends! The Skitoliv World hopes everyone had a happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Now that that silly holiday is out of the way, it is time for the crazy buying run up to Christmas. I am sure everyone went out at 3AM to the mall in order to get their "Black Friday" deals! Though if you were like the Skitoliv World, you were sound asleep, drunk on trictophans from the massive amounts of turkey you consumed. This year I had not one but two Thanksgiving dinners. The first one was at the friendly confines of Gunning Dr, followed by a short drive to Claire Manor for a second complete dinner at "the duck’s" house. The duck’s dad, I guess that would make him "the mallard", stated that I probably consumed around 10 or 11 thousand calories that day, hearing that is kinda sickening, eh, what can you do.

Just some things that are running around in my Skitoliv brain:

* Cameron Diaz informed the populace that she and former man-bander/sexy-backer Justin Timberlake have  no plans to get married despite their dating for almost four years. Good for you Cameron! This proves that people in Hollywood read "Thoughts in a Skitoliv World". If you remember, earlier I stated that no Hollywood couple should get married as it is just going to end in a divorce. Reader Judith pointed out that Goldie and Kurt have been together for years and show no signs of ending their relationship; yet they remain un-married. Though I think the real sticking point is that Cameron can’t look at JT without laughing at his statement of "bringing sexy back." (note we here at the Skitoliv World promise to never ever ever attempt to bring sexy back, we never lost it, therefore have no need to bring it back)

*The "Do You Actually Listen to the words that come out of your own mouth" award of the week goes to both Suge Knight and 50 Cent. Suge called Snoop Dogg a narc and whiny puking rat. Fiddy, called Oprah an Oreo, which I understand to mean she acts "black" on the outside and "white" on the inside. I think that that is all that needs to be said about that.

* Michael "I have lots of black friends" Richards; the former Seinfeld star and unfunny stand-up comedian has received support from the one person who understands him, Mel Gibson. Quote, "I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don’t need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape." Yes Melroy, that is true. You also do not need to be inebriated to spill your true feelings about race to the public. A lot of people saw "The Passion", so they know your opinion Mel.

*The Hollywood feud of the week belongs to Skitoliv World Favorite Nicole "I am almost back to my birth weight" Ritchie and her now former stylist. Apparently this is big news and they are fighting about something and there is lots of goings back and forth about this something, ah the heck with it, who really gives a rats ass?

* I would like to make a comment about Britney Spears (24, pop star and mother of two) stating that Paris Hilton (25, amateur porn star and…what is it that she does again?) is "her role model". This is one of the greatest quotes ever to be uttered in the history of the world. Look Brit, while the Skitoliv World has openly mocked you (a lot), do not use the Skank of The Century (aka Paris) as your role model. You already sold millions of albums, and Paris well apparently she has some sort of album out but damn if you can figure out who bought it.  You did the now so-bad-it is good, and Selena Kangs favorite, movie "Crossroads". Paris did "One Night in Paris" and "House of Wax". You should be her role model and not the other way around. Did you not learn from your involvement with K-Fed? This is going to end badly. Also, the World is now taking wagers on how soon there are rumors about a sex tape involving the power couple (Paris and Britney). We say next week.

*Thursday Night Football

CINCY over Baltimore - for the few people that actually get the NFL network, you will see a battle but I think Cincy’s Offense has hit its stride.

Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock! I would really like to say I am shocked and alawrmed by this development but there we have it.

I have said it before and will say it again. If these two who were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much in love can not make it work, what chance do any of us have?

I think there needs to be a moratorium on all Hollywood weddings. I mean really, why bother? They should skip the legal wedding proceedings and just have a reception. Thereby eliminating the need for a costly divorce proceeding.

OK! That is it!!!! Enough with the damn coverage of Holmes and Cruise’s so called wedding!!!!! I DO NOT FRIGGIN CARE!!!! They are getting "married" by a scientology "muckity-muck", this is not real. If they were before a "real" religon’s priest or even a good ‘ole JOP I might think it actually occured. This is absurd, no one gives a damn!!! (NOTE: I realize I am not supposed to comment on them, but the Skitoliv World is very upset at being unable to turn on the radio/tv/internet without something about these idiots)

onto the NFL

Last Week - 8-8 Best Pick - Cleveland over Atlanta; Worst Pick Pats ove Jets;

YTD - 87-56 (61%)

BALTIMORE over Atlanta - I think Baltimore is over-rated but Billick is doing a better job with the offense. I think the Falcons need to get rid of Ron Mexico.

HOUSTON over Buffalo - I think Sage Rosenfels is better than David Carr. I think the Bills need a better QB than J.P. Losman.

Chicago over NEW JERSEY JETS - I think Chicago could get caught looking ahead to New England. I think Mangini won caoch of the year last week.

NEW ORLEANS over Cincinnati - I think Drew Brees should get some MVP votes. I think Cincy needs to look to next year.

Indianapolis over DALLAS - I think the Colts are really good right now. I think Tony Romo is not the long term answer at QB.

MIAMI over Minnesotta - I think the Dolphins are going to go on a late run here. I think the Vikings flaws have been exposed.

New England over GREEN BAY - I think Belichek needs to stop out coaching himself. I think I am not scared of Brett Favre in any situation.

KANSAS CITY over Oakland - I think the Chiefs will be better with Trent Green back under center. I think Art Shell should bench Randy Moss after what Moss said last week.

CLEVELAND over Pittsburgh - I think it will be tough for the Browns to win 3 in a row, but I think they may have turned a corner. I think Pittsburgh can not win on the road.

CAROLINA over St. Louis - I think the Panthers are starting to heat up at the right time. I think the Rams are a few players away.

PHILADELPHIA over Tennessee - I think the Eagles need to get of the field quicker on defense. I think the Titans have ugly uniforms.

TAMPA BAY over Washington - I think Chucky will make life miserable on the skins new QB. I think Joe Gibbs defended Brunell too long.

ARIZONA over Detroit - I think the Cardinals flat out suck. I think Detroit is not much better.

Seattle over SAN FRANCISCO - I think the ‘hawks are better now with Alexander back. I think people are saying SF has improved too quickly.

DENVER over San Diego - I think the Broncos ‘D’ will stuff the ‘bolts. I think Marty can not win in Mile High.

JACKSONVILLE over New Jersey Giants - I think the Jags are mad from last week. I think Eli is regressing.

I have to pick up the phone a lot at work. My standard greeting of course being, "Hi. This is Duke. How can I help You?" I am then subjected to the person on the other end of the line breaking into verse "Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl." The person then invariably says, "I bet you never hear that do you?" My normal response when this happens outside of work is to state in my most sarcastic tone, "No. That is really original. I am surprised I never have."

At work, however, I have to be nice to my customers.

Let me state for the record, I hate that damn song. If you sing it at me, you are not witty or clever or remotely interesting. You will earn my ire and then most likely I will flat out ignore your presence, or hang up the phone on you.

The other thing I have no interest in is whether or not you at some point in your life had a dog named "Duke."

Today is the great American smoke out! Which means if you are that big of a dope and smoke, you should quit.

One of the great things about living in America is that you have the freedom to make the choice to smoke. It is your body and no one should tell you what you can do with it. It is your right to kill yourself by willingly inhale carcinogens.

That said, it is my right as an American to go out and not be subjected to your smoke. I have made the decision not to smoke. I am one of the people who actually does believe the surgeon generals warnings about cigarettes causing cancer. I hate when I come back from a night out and just absolutely reek. Cigarette smoke is quite possibly one of the most offensive things to have to deal with when you are out at a bar. I can deal with the crowds, I can deal with paying too much for a beer and girls, you can deal with drunk guys trying to hit on you. I can not deal with the cloud of smoke that you see in bars.

I am asked why I go out in Delaware as much as I do. Well, there you have it. When I come home I do not smell like an ashtray. I went to a bar/restaurant with a friend last week, it was in PA, so when I got home the first thing I wanted to do was jump in the shower. I hate smelling of smoke. It really makes me wonder how I dealt with this when Delaware was not smoke free.

I applaud all bar and restaurant owners that have decided to make their establishments smoke free. We, the non-smoking world, which increases daily, greatly appreciate it.

So if you smoke, please quit. It will kill you!

Quick Hits:

*The so called wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holme occurs this weekend in Italy. Oprah apparently is very upset that she was left off of the guest list. The Beckhams apparently can’t decide between 6 or 7 gifts for the couple. The caterers apparently can not get the hors d ouers correct. Everyone is forgetting that this is just a big attempt by scientology to brain wash a bunch of people. You watch, more people will come out of this saying how great that crock of bs is. Mass hypnosis is going to occur to more of Hollywood’s elite!

*With this so called wedding occurring I am pleading with the government of Italy in conjunction with the United States attack it. Many of the high muckity-mucks (actual name) of scientology will be there to see the union of their champion with his kidnapped/brain-washed pod person. This is the chance, we can get them right now and end this mockery once and for all!

*Weekly money grab by K-Fed - Kevin Federline is hawking just about anything he can get his hands on to make a buck – including scintillating footage of people taking pictures of him from cameras installed in his truck. The most ridiculous thing is some tabloid paid for it. Please, everyone out there, let him go. He is not worth the effort of paying attention to. "In Portuguese that means I am broke and got no money."

Apparently, Britney has decided to give away the first pictures of her newest child, for free. The main reason behind this, is to prevent her clown of a soon to be ex husband from getting any proceeds of a sale. So much for a couple that was "sooooooooo in love."

Last week, 8-5; Worst Pick - Chicago over Miami (CHAD!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?????), Best Pick - SF over Minnesota ( told you I had a feeling about it.)

Year to Date 79-48 (62%)

Baltimore over TENNESSEE - I think Steve McNair is still pissed over how the Flaming Thumbtacks treated him last year. I think Vince Young is going to have a long day.

INDIANAPOLIS over Buffalo - I think it is hard to beat the ponies on their track. I think Buffalo would love to have Brady Quinn or Troy Smith over J.P. Losman.

NEW JERSEY GIANTS over Chicago - I think one of these teams is a fraud, though I am not sure which.

Cleveland over ATLANTA - I think Cleveland is waiting to explode, throw the ball to Sgt. Winslow and Edwards more!!! I think Atlanta’s Defense is really over-rated.

MINNESOTA over Green Bay - I think the Vikings need help at QB, Brad Johnson is just not getting it done. I also think Favre needs to retire, he did throw 2 interceptions against Buffalo that cost them the game.

JACKSONVILLE over Houston - I think there is no difference between Garrard and Leftwich, they both are sub-par NFL QBs. I think David Carr should be cut outright.

KANSAS CITY over Miami - I think K-City needs to decide to stay with the hot Huard or the recovering Green. I think Brady Quinn will become the next Dan Marino next year.

New Orleans over PITTSBURGH - I think Drew Brees is unbelievable. I think Pittsburgh really believe their own press.

NEW ENGLAND over New Jersey Jets - I think Mangini did something really bad to piss off Belichek the way he did. I think Chad Pennington is proving lots of people wrong.

San Diego over CINCINNATI - I think LaDanian Tomlinson is a freak of nature. I think the Bengals are back to being the Bungles.

DETROIT over San Francisco - I think that Jon Kitna is having a nice year. I think the niners need a better quarterback than Alex Smith.

PHILADELPHIA over Washington - I think that the Eagles defense needs to start kicking ass or they are done. I think that Brunell needs to be replaced.

Denver over OAKLAND - I think that Denver is a dangerous team. I think Andrew Walter might get killed by the Broncos.

Dallas over ARIZONA - I think that Romo is not the answer Cowboys fans. I think that Dennis Green is done.

St. Louis over SEATTLE - I think that Tory Holt is the best wideout in the game, and he doesn’t act like an idiot ever. I think that the Seahawks need their big dogs back in a hurry.

CAROLINA over Tampa Bay - I think the Panthers are getting ready for a run to the playoffs. I think I like saying Gradkowski, say it with me G-r-a-d-k-o-w-s-k-i!

I think this divorce is going to give me fodder for weeks. I love stupid people!

Kevin Federline, entered our lives Oct. 2004, left this world November 7, 2006. Kevin "K-Fed" Federline was described by those who knew him as a fun-loving party guy, a guy you would want to have children with. An aspiring actor, rapper and WWE-punching bag, K-Fed has two children with soon to be ex-wife Britney Spears and two other bastard children from a former relationship with some other media whore known as Shar Jackson.

K-Fed first came to the attention of the Skitoliv World when "The World", like most of the real world, was shocked to hear he and Pop-Princess Britney "Hit me Baby one more time" Spears married back in October 2004. Many of us here in a Skitoliv World really, really wanted to know who the wife-beater wearing, corn -rowed quaffed, chain smoking, non-showering man dancer was and where he came from. Then of course we had a reality check and realized we did not care. Of course we heard the stories of how he was with Britney, though his ex, the afore mentioned Shar Jackson already had one child by the dirt-ball and was knocked up with their second child. Yet, a part of us all really thought that maybe these two crazy kids had found each other and were no longer going to be able to hurt anyone else. I mean, Brit is no rocket-scientist either.

Once married to paparazzi darling Spears, it was next to impossible to get away from coverage of Federline. There he was everywhere. The major problem is that people apparently wanted to see him doing idiotic things. K-Fed was always out on the L.A. party scene, usually hitting the sauce pretty hard, even though his "beloved" Britney was home pregnant with their first child. The populace began to sour on Feds, perceiving him to be a gold-digging mooch, one who had no problem spending Brit’s money.

The next thing we hear is that Brittney was going to spend two million dollars to help K-fed become the "hip-hop star I know he was meant to be." (her exact words, I am not making this up!). A Skitoliv World is not opposed to people branching out and trying things. Who knows, Fed maybe had some hidden talent and this would be like a version of Britney Idol, where she discovers the next great rap-star. The problem of course arose when his first single was released, "Popozau". The song starts with a very weird sounding bell/flute medley with K-Fed mumbling in some sort of language, once the beat drops the exact words are (again I swear I am not making this up) "In Portuguese that means shake your @ss!" Well it sort of goes down hill from there. Kevin had no talent.

The critical panning of K-Fed’s music and his complete mockery by the "hip-hop" community did not stop his dream of becoming a rap-star. Kevin’s first album "Playing With Fire" was released on Oct 31, 2006. It sold an anemic 6,000 copies. The bigger question this raises, of course, is what in the hell is wrong with the 6000 people that bought that steaming pile of garbage. Kevin’s tour was also not going too well, several dates had to be canceled due to lack of ticket sales. Hundreds of tickets had to be handed out free, and the people that were there seemed to only want to heckle Kevin.

Kevin’s life officially ended on Tuesday, when his wife filed for divorce. Kevin now starts down that long slide into obscurity. The public interest will remain high for a bit as the divorce proceedings carry on. Some how, K-fed will even put out another album. Then he will be on Dancing with the stars, or as a celebrity judge at the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest. His every mis-step will recieve less and less attention. Finally, K-Fed will be gone, until he is mentioned for getting busted for DUI or Drug possession.

Good-bye Kevin, the world will not miss you. There are always other idiots in the lime-lite, maybe if you are lucky you will be the answer to a bar trivia question someday, but again, you are not special, you never were. You were and still are, an idiot. Please take a shower, you smell. (For those that are curious, now that they are divorced, Brittney and Kevin are free game for Skitoliv World to point out that they are morons again.)

Earth shattering news from the "Gee if those two kids can’t make it work, what chance do we have" department

BRITTNEY SPEARS HAS FILED FOR DIVORCE FROM KEVIN FEDERLINE!!!!!!!!

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*ahem*

more news when we have it

enjoy your day and party on K "i am so hardcore from the streets and not a walking punchline" Fed

Well it is election day here in the good ‘ole US of A. Let me say it right out, everyone needs to go vote. I hear from some that the mid-term elections do not matter as much as when we are deciding the Presidency. Horse manure!(BTW this is my new favorite expression, I seem to be using it an awful lot.)

We the people of the United States of America get to decide who will get to be our leaders. The people we send to congress, elect as governor, or even choose to be our state auditor create that wonderful thing we know as government. Remember, we are currently involved in a war to instill this notion amongst people that seemingly do not want it. Though maybe they do want democracy, just not us telling them how to go about doing it.

Recently, I have been on a tremendous anti-government rant about the flaws of our electoral system. Primarily I am concerned with the 2-party system. Each of the parties has become caricatures of their original purposes. Nowadays, if you say you are a republican, you are automatically assumed to be fanatical Christian, pro-life and a war-hawk. If you claim to be a democrat, you are a leftist hippie. The general populace is neither. I hear more and more people claiming to be independents due to their dis-satisfaction with the parties as they stand now. I am hoping this leads to the formation of a viable, recognized third party. I believe that there needs to be more choice of candidate for office than just the two "official" candidates.

Yet, I have decided not to go on such a rant about how the choices for office are terrible. Nor do I want to address how none of the candidates actually say they stand for anything, they stand for the opposite of what their opponent stands for, who in turn stands for the opposite of what they stand for.

Go out and vote. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe you are choosing the lesser of two evils. Yet without voting, you can not effect any change in the process.

This blog is sponsored by a grant from Cahill for Senate 2026 (i am realistic).

Nothing real witty to say, just onto the picks

Last week 5-9, Best Pick Cleveland (+2.5) over the NJ Jets (Cleveland won 23-17)

Worst Pick, SF (+19) over the Bears (Bears won 41-10)

Ytd, 71-43

This week I am going back to saying who is going to win, no spreads.

Atlanta over DETROIT - I mean seriously, can you honestly take the Lions to do anything. Detroit is going to end up with the Number one pick and use it on Ga Tech All-American WR Calvin Johnson. Detroit suddenly needs WR’s. Mike Vick still is not going to take the Falcons to the Superbowl.

Cincinnati over BALTIMORE - This is a game the Bengals absolutely have to win otherwise they can kiss the division good-bye. As much as I love "Ocho Cinco", I am not sure how smart it is to say you are going to "hit Ray Lewis in the mouth."

WASHINGTON over Dallas - I think this is when the Redskins start to turn it around, The Indigenous Person’s defense is finally healthy. So look for them to make life miserable for Romo and "The Player".

Green Bay over BUFFALO - Here it comes, after this game you will hear how the Pack is 4-4 and headed for the playoffs. Brett Favre is putting the team on his shoulders and leading them to glory. Horse Manure.

NEW JERSEY GIANTS over Houston - Houston lost to Tennessee for cryin’ out loud. David Carr has regressed yet again. Pull the plug on him Kubiak! Giants are playing tough and look formidable in the East.

ST LOUIS over Kansas City - I am not sure if the defenses will be able to stop either team’s ‘O’ so I will take the home team.

CHICAGO over Miami - Bears are really really good. Yet, they have only beaten one team with a winning record. Next week vs Jersey ‘a’ will be the real test. Miami is self-destructing in front of us (and I love it!).

New Orleans over TAMPA BAY - Saints got the stuffing kicked out of them last week, so it will be interesting to see how they respond at the Pirate Ship. Tampa is looking old and really young at the same time.

JACKSONVILLE over Tennessee - J’ville just destroyed a listless Eagles team. Thumbtacks can not stop the run.

SAN FRANCISCO over Minnesota - I dunno, I just have a feeling about this game. Probably on a last second field goal.

SAN DIEGO over Cleveland - Bolts have too much firepower for Browns to stop. I hate how teams become mired in their own traditions. Browns have been a historically running team, but they have drafted weapons in Frye, Edwards and Winslow, so why are they not using them? Throw the damn ball already!

Denver over PITTSBURGH - If the Curtain wants any shot at the playoffs they need to win this one. I think the Broncos are gonna knock Big Ben out for good.

SEATTLE over Oakland - Oakland has won two games in a row. Seattle is using back-ups. Seahawk’s backups are still better than most of Oakland’s starters.

and finally

NEW ENGLAND over Indianapolis - New England is on a mission this year to show everyone that they are still the BMOC. Brady is playing like a man possessed lately. Colts have no defense to speak of. Manning is gonna light it up statistically, but I am saying this comes down to rookie Stephen Gostkowski nailing his first game winner for the Pats.

and now for a photo of a man making love to a guitar…