Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

The Guardian, starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher (yes, somebody thought this was a good pairing) opens in theaters near you this Friday. As a highly respected member of the media I obtained an invitation to see this cinematic masterpiece.

Costner plays the stereotypical grizzled, seen-to-much, haunted veteran, that we have seen a thousand times before in any movie remotely associated with the military. This time Costner’s character is a veteran grizzled seen-to-much haunted Coast Guard rescue diver. There is some sort of accident and he is the only person to survive this tragedy. This of course leads to approximately 10,000 different references to the accident and his wondering, "Why me? Why did I live?" The Coast Guard decides to reassign him to being a trainer for the young rescue divers.

This leads us to Ashton Kutcher. I do not get people’s fascination with this clown. He has no discernible talent, is ridiculous looking and the one thing that seems to keep him in the news is that he is married to Demi Moore. Anyway, Kutcher plays the stereotypical young, brash, cocky, upstart that we have seen a thousand times before, (see Richard Gere in an Officer and a Gentleman and you will know who he is channeling).

There is the inital clash between these two screen titans as Costner sees some of his former self in the young hero, but he needs to challenge him to bring out the best that he can be. Training montages complete with heart-rendering music to make you really care about the divers and what they do. Once the initial tension between Costner and Kutcher wears off, they bond in the most manly fashion possible, they get in a bar fight together. There is nothing like a bar fight to bring to men together. It is amazing how often it happens. After my weekly bar fight I have a new friend. Whenever you are out at a bar and you see a fight break out, you know "wow, here comes two new best friends!"

This leads us to the scene that is going to lead to Oscar buzz for the two of them. The very heart wrenching scene where Kutcher asks how he can be like Costner and "..decide who lives and who dies?" Costner of course answers in all seriousness, the line that is going to have people crying in their seats, "I swim as hard as I can, as fast as I can, and the sea takes the rest." It is such a moment that I can not do it justice.

Now that the two of them are friends and Kutcher has some sort of love interest in this film. They have to go out on the water and make a rescue together! Kind of a passing of the torch so to speak. Things go bad on this rescue, leading Costner to dive in and try to save his young protege. At one point, a superior officer told Costner that he is not to jump in the water in any case; however, Costner must save Kutcher and damn the regulations. This of course leads to the dramatic self-sacrifice as Kutcher makes the decision to save someone else and Costner valiantly dies.

I would like to point out that I did not actually see this movie and have extrapolated all of these plot points from the preview and other movies of a similar ilk. How is this possible? Hollywood has not had an original idea in approximately 46 years. They simply remake other films. I am awaiting the day that I am placed in charge of Hollywood and when someone pitches an idea like this to me I will simply say "No. We have seen that before, and what the hell were you thinking giving Ashton Kutcher work?" Ah well, at least I am getting in a bar fight tonite so I can bond with my friends.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 28th, 2006 at 8:13 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.