Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

An open letter to god, allah, buddah, my ancestors and LL Ron Hubbard,

Thank you, thank you, thank you oh great deities of the world religions. One of you has made my life worth living again, I know that Suri Cruise is….A BABY!!! Thank you to Annie Leibovitz, she of the slightly bizarre baby pictures, for taking the pictures of Suri Cruise that have made my life worth living again. Thank you to Vanity Fair for publishing the pictures of Suri, Tom and Katie that portray them as a smiling happy completely normal family, that were taken by Annie Leibovitz, that have made my life worth living. Finally, thank you to TomKat (aren’t pet name so cute) for giving birth to a baby. This is an extraordinary accomplishment for the both of you. I mean, having a baby, something I have never heard of people doing before. The media is right to make such a big deal out of the birth of a baby, because it has obviously never happened before. Now, we get to see the pictures of your perfect human being. I feel like I am such a part of your life. I feel like I can not keep up this line of writing any more without becoming physically ill.

Item one: Suri Cruise is a baby, nothing more and nothing less. I am not sure why there has been this much obsession over a baby by the populace and the media. She is not any kind of messiah, despite Tom’s hopes. She is not anything but a baby. Can we please put this coverage to rest.

Item two: "Holmes says that the gossip "eats away at me because it’s just not OK." She continues, "This is my family, and I care so much about them. To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is—to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?"

This is heavy stuff. "…it’s just not OK." Wow, that is probably the worst indictment of the paparazzi I have ever heard. Yet, those of you who read my blog know that there are many levels to being "OK" (see my previous column "I’m ok, you ok?"). My interpretation of Katie’s ok, is that she is "happy" about Suri’s birth, "concerned" about Tom’s increasingly bizarre behavior, "upset" that she is never going to get married to Tom, "worried" that scientologists are going to brainwash young Suri into believing that she is the reincarnation of LL Bean himself.

Where does it come from Katie? From the couch-jumper that you saddled yourself to. From, his belief in the emperor Xenu, Zanu, Xena? you know the one that blew up all the good people with hydrogen bombs and made their souls attached to you, so that you have to grab an electric shock device, because you decided to ditch Christianity for scientology.

Item three: This point was raised by Molly, Suri looks to be of Asian descent. Now how could this happen? Maverick is white, Rachel Dawes is white, so how do they have an Asian baby? Theory one is that Tom had Katie artificially inseminated, and that it came from an Asian dude. This theory lends credence to the theory that Tom is really gay and this is all an act to hide that fact.

Item four: This is just because I can not say enough about it, Summer Redstone still is on my list of heroes for being the first to say no to scientology. He at least gets "it". That "it", is that scientologists are completely insane. The beliefs of these radicals need to be quashed. Dan Snyder, on the other hand, thinks that Lt. Daniel Caffey is a viable investment and is now funding his wackiness. I am not sure why Dan has not been arrested by the US Government for funding a terrorist organization. Contributing money to Jerry Maguire is akin to funding terrorism, so why is it allowed?

Author’s note: I hereby promise to not discuss Thomas Cruise anymore (at least not until he does something incredibly stupid, again; just wait, you know it is coming). The amount of my brain I have dedicated to pointing out his obvious flaws is staggering. I believe I will now be able to set my mind to better uses, such as helping the government with their monarch butterfly problem. I do not promise to stop discussing scientology, someone has to point out how ridiculous it is, and it might as well be me.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 6th, 2006 at 12:53 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.