Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

I would like to apologize to all fellow Phillies fans out there. It is my fault that the Phightin’s are 2 games back with 3 to play. Two days ago, I threw my full support behind the team. They were one game back with two games against the last place Nationals. I initially thought my support worked as the Phils, despite blowing a lead in the 9th rallied and beat the Nats in 14, of course they followed this up by losing last night, thus negating any movement in the wild card standings. Ah well, there is always next year, and hopefully some free agents will want to come play with this promising team.

Last Week 9-5, YTD 30-16, Best Pick - New Orleans over Atlanta (though in all honesty did anyone think they would lose that game?), Worst Pick - New England Over Denver (never pick the Patriots over the Broncos again.) Quick note, I would like to wish best wishes for a speedy recovery to Tampa Bay QB Chris Simms. I have been incredibly hard in my criticism of his play, but hanging in the game last week with a ruptured spleen and almost leading your team back shows you are a tough guy. Get well soon Chris, on to the picks.

ATLANTA over Arizona - Atlanta needs to rebound in the friendly confines of the Georgia Dome. Arizona needs to bench Kurt Warner for Matt Leinart. Warner has never been the same since the Patriots beat him in the Super Bowl, this is a fact, you can look it up.

Dallas over TENNESSEE - Despite the circus known as T.O. (author will not violate his word about having an opinion on TO) the ‘Boys will slaughter the Flaming Thumbtacks. Memo to Jeff Fisher, just play Vince Young already, the Kerry Collins experiment is just bad.

Indianapolis over NEW JERSEY JETS - The Jets are 2-1 and everyone is raving about how tough they are playing for their new coach. The ponies will bring them back down to earth, Indy in a rout.

HOUSTON over Miami - Texans coach Gary Kubiak gets his first win as the Defense will make Daunte "The Human Turnover Machine" look like, well, a "human turnover machine". I never thought I would write, play Joey Harrington.

BUFFALO over Minnesota - The Bills have actually played halfway decent football and are always tough up at Orchard Park. I am still not sold on Minnesota as anything but an early season pretender, plus they just signed Drew Henson, so they are discounted from doing anything.

CAROLINA over New Orleans - Panthers defense will bring the feel good Saints back to earth. The Panthers showed what a difference Steve Smith makes in their line-up, and bad news league, he is healthy finally.

San Diego over BALTIMORE - The way this game is being hyped you would think that there will be no offense at all. San Diego has so many more offensive weapons for Phillip Rivers to use. McNair has looked good early on this year but I think the ‘Bolts will knock him out of the game and then the Ravens have to use Kyle "The Interception" Boller.

KANSAS CITY over San Francisco - OK, Alex Smith actually can play in this league. Norv Turner, stay as an offensive coordinator, it is what you do best. Kansas City needs to get their offense on track, somehow.

ST. LOUIS over Detroit - I would like to tell Lions fans that this loss will get Matt Millen fired for assembling this bunch of underachievers, but it won’t. Marc Bulger and Torry Holt are going to feast on weak Lions secondary. Lions need to get Kevin Jones on track.

Cleveland over OAKLAND - Frye, Edwards and Sgt.Winslow have what it takes to become a feared triplet in the league. The receivers just need to hold on to the damn ball a bit more. Oakland at least has the Athletics in the playoffs to distract fans from this horrific team. 0-16 is not out of the realm of possibility.

Jacksonville over WASHINGTON - Let us not forget that Brunell played well against the Texans, a team that makes mediocre people look good. The J’Ville Defense is always looking to make statements against supposedly high-flying ‘O’s.

CINCINNATI over New England - Tommy, get your head together and start playing ball. Cincy is young, hungry and ready after their victory over rival Pittsburgh. Patriots secondary has been embarrassed the last two weeks.

CHICAGO over Seattle - Chad, this one is for you. Seattle needs Shawn Alexander and with him out the next few weeks, the Bears can just blitz the heck out of Matt Hasslebeck and make him win the game. I am still concerned about the Bears running game, what is wrong with Cedric Benson.

PHILADELPHIA over Green Bay - Brett Favre was named NFC offensive player of the week last week. Once again the pundits are saying how great he is and how great it is that he is playing. He will throw at least 5 interceptions this game, and everyone will blame his supporting cast. Go away Brett, just so people stop talking about you.

The Guardian, starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher (yes, somebody thought this was a good pairing) opens in theaters near you this Friday. As a highly respected member of the media I obtained an invitation to see this cinematic masterpiece.

Costner plays the stereotypical grizzled, seen-to-much, haunted veteran, that we have seen a thousand times before in any movie remotely associated with the military. This time Costner’s character is a veteran grizzled seen-to-much haunted Coast Guard rescue diver. There is some sort of accident and he is the only person to survive this tragedy. This of course leads to approximately 10,000 different references to the accident and his wondering, "Why me? Why did I live?" The Coast Guard decides to reassign him to being a trainer for the young rescue divers.

This leads us to Ashton Kutcher. I do not get people’s fascination with this clown. He has no discernible talent, is ridiculous looking and the one thing that seems to keep him in the news is that he is married to Demi Moore. Anyway, Kutcher plays the stereotypical young, brash, cocky, upstart that we have seen a thousand times before, (see Richard Gere in an Officer and a Gentleman and you will know who he is channeling).

There is the inital clash between these two screen titans as Costner sees some of his former self in the young hero, but he needs to challenge him to bring out the best that he can be. Training montages complete with heart-rendering music to make you really care about the divers and what they do. Once the initial tension between Costner and Kutcher wears off, they bond in the most manly fashion possible, they get in a bar fight together. There is nothing like a bar fight to bring to men together. It is amazing how often it happens. After my weekly bar fight I have a new friend. Whenever you are out at a bar and you see a fight break out, you know "wow, here comes two new best friends!"

This leads us to the scene that is going to lead to Oscar buzz for the two of them. The very heart wrenching scene where Kutcher asks how he can be like Costner and "..decide who lives and who dies?" Costner of course answers in all seriousness, the line that is going to have people crying in their seats, "I swim as hard as I can, as fast as I can, and the sea takes the rest." It is such a moment that I can not do it justice.

Now that the two of them are friends and Kutcher has some sort of love interest in this film. They have to go out on the water and make a rescue together! Kind of a passing of the torch so to speak. Things go bad on this rescue, leading Costner to dive in and try to save his young protege. At one point, a superior officer told Costner that he is not to jump in the water in any case; however, Costner must save Kutcher and damn the regulations. This of course leads to the dramatic self-sacrifice as Kutcher makes the decision to save someone else and Costner valiantly dies.

I would like to point out that I did not actually see this movie and have extrapolated all of these plot points from the preview and other movies of a similar ilk. How is this possible? Hollywood has not had an original idea in approximately 46 years. They simply remake other films. I am awaiting the day that I am placed in charge of Hollywood and when someone pitches an idea like this to me I will simply say "No. We have seen that before, and what the hell were you thinking giving Ashton Kutcher work?" Ah well, at least I am getting in a bar fight tonite so I can bond with my friends.

I was a very large fan of the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. Whenever I was surfing the channels and saw him on the screen I would pause and see what animal he was teaching us about. I, like many in the world, was saddened to hear about his death. The troubling thing about this tragedy is that others are using it to speak to their own personal causes, by attacking the man, now that he is dead. The President of PETA (one of my favorite organizations) said "he got what he deserved", PETA is another issue unto itself, but come on, the man was a noted conservationist who donated all his resources to preserving nature, not harming it. More troubling is the strain that this death has caused among the Cousteau family. There is nothing sadder than a pair of feuding Frenchmen. Rest in Peace Steve, the world will miss you.

Onto the NFL:

Last week 11-5, YTD 21-11, Best Pick: New Orleans over Green Bay; Worst Pick: Miami over Buffalo

Carolina over TAMPA BAY - Chris Simms now has 6-int vs 0-TD, but he has great potential, everyone says so. HE IS NOT HIS FATHER!!!! Remember, Simms could not beat out Major Applewhite at Texas, and folded like an accordion in every big game he ever played.

Chicago over MINNESOTA - Bears ‘D’ is really scary. Like Baltimore Ravens of 2000 scary. Vikings have been playing very well, but I think the Bears pull out a close one.

Cincinnati over PITTSBURGH - Bengals have injury concerns, but I believe Carson wants to make a statement here. Big Ben looked awful against the Jags.

DETROIT over Green Bay - Latest trade rumors have Favre going to Washington. I just hope that someone knocks him unconscious. You know why Favre came back this year? FOR A ***&&(*^%^ paycheck. He is robbing the Packers of upwards of $10Million because people think he is some sort of legend.

Jacksonville over INDIANAPOLIS - I am sold on the Jags ‘D’ being able to contain a potent ”O". The only question is if they can score enough points to knock off the Colts. If it is close, J’Ville in the upset.

BUFFALO over New Jersey Jets - Bills have been playing tough, but their offense still needs to give them more. Jets are playing better than most thought, Pennington is a major concern because you never know when his arm is going to fall off his body. Bills by a TD.

MIAMI over Tennessee - The Dolphins actually believed that Daunte "The Human Turnover Machine" was the answer to challenging the Patriots and making a super bowl run…I thought Saban was supposed to be smart. They get the ‘W’ because Tennessee is that bad right now with Kerry Collins at the helm, start Vince Young right now.

Washington over HOUSTON - Washington has just not looked right these first two weeks. Houston has a way of making teams look better than they are. ‘Skins in a walkover.

Baltimore over CLEVELAND - Ravens have not fared well against the Browns lately, but they also had Kyle Boller as their QB. Next week versus the Bolts, will be the real challenge for the Nevermores.

SEATTLE over New Jersey Giants - Giants are riding high after their comeback, but they really need to figure out how they got down by 17. Seattle is waiting for an offensive explosion.

Philadelphia over SAN FRANCISCO - Philly has a lot of injuries and are reeling after letting the Giants game slip away. Look for the Birds to be tied at the half and then pull away by 2TD’s late in the game. Antonio Bryant needs to remember that just because he is wearing #81, that is no excuse to act like a jackass.

ARIZONA over St. Louis - Arizona wins in the desert, with an aerial assault. STL needs to pound the running game more and figure out why Bulger can’t throw the ball as well.

NEW ENGLAND over Denver - Denver has been flat out bad the first two weeks. Pats typically struggle with the Broncos so this will be another tight game for NE.

NEW ORLEANS over Atlanta - This will probably not happen, but I am hoping that the thrill of returning football to NO gives the Saints a boost.

It has come to my attention that I have been saying "Note: Author realizes he is breaking his word about not discussing….." entirely too much. I went on a rant, about a year ago, in which I stated that I did not want to hear anything about certain individuals any more; that I would think so little of said individuals that I would have no opinion of them. Tom Cruise has made this extremely difficult, particularly of late; did you see the amount of paparazzi surrounding them when they tried to go to his kids soccer game? The only way that there could be that many photographers is if they alerted them to their travel plans.

I have always professed not to be impressed by so-called "celebrities." I can never believe that there are paparazzi taking pictures of these people where ever they are. I find it difficult to believe there is that much interest in where Tom Cruise eats lunch, or where John Travolta buys his dish detergent. Yet, there obviously is, because magazines like US, star and People continue to sell. I dislike the pedestal that these individuals are placed upon by society as a whole. I tend to look at them as people who have the occupation of Actor, musician, whatever, not as anything special.

That said, here is the list of people that I hope to never hear/see/know anything about ever again; why, because I just do not care.

1. Paris Hilton - OK, we get it, you are a drunk, talentless skank. You have tons of money, and all you seem to do is go shopping and partying. Her "celebrity" status makes it easy to see why foreigners hate American society.

2. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes - Scientologists need to be shunned. These two just need to go away and stop polluting my life. I give them credit for doing something that no one in the history of mankind has ever done; have a baby.

3. Michael Jackson - I have no interest in anything to do with this alien. I am glad he is living in Bahrain, away from any kids that I know.

4. Lindsay Lohan - I am not sure why people continue to give this anorexic skank work. Every time you hear about her she is doing something while intoxicated at a bar, oh wait, she isn’t 21 so hoe the heck is she getting into bars in the first place?!!? That and like Ms. Hilton, she is engaged to a different guy every week. Please eat something Lindsay.

5. Terrell Owens - He destroyed my Eagles last year and epitomizes everything that is wrong with today’s spoiled athlete. I want him to be healthy for the game on Oct.8 so he can get knocked out by a member of the Eagles.

6. All other scientologists - You are not a religion. You are a terrorist organization that I believe ATF needs to go and disarm. I live to hear the news that your meeting areas (I refuse to call them churches) have burned to the ground so that I can dance on the ashes.

7. France - One of my first acts as President would be to revoke recognition of this country. I think we invaded the wrong country (iraq). Destroying France could only improve the world.

There it is,  people I will do my best not to discuss any more. Now if only we could prevent them from doing foolish things.

*News from whacko-ville, "The tumultuous marriage of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown — which withstood drug addiction, Brown’s numerous arrests, the decline of Houston’s once-sparkling image and domestic abuse allegations — is coming to an end." - You know, I really thought that despite all the lunacy, that those two crazy kids were really going to make it. I just wonder if they can not make it work, what chance do any of us really have to find true love. I just hope that Whitney has time to write a song about this, hopefully it will be as good as "I will always Love You".

*News from not-a-surprise-ville, "Jay-Z ends, ‘worst retirement in history’" - Jay, when people retire, they do not perform on world tours and become CEO’s of Def Jam Recording or become the owner of the Nets. Welcome back Jay. Now, if we can only get you to kiss and make up with Crystal Champagne, then the world will be on the right track.

*News from my nfl-picks-for-the-week-ville - Last week I went 10-6, (Best Pick Cincy over Kansas City, worst Pick Tampa over the Ravens.) home team in caps.

MIAMI over Buffalo - Buffalo played well against the Pats, btu their offense is stil fairly inept. This could be a pretty low scoring game.

Carolina over MINNESOTA - Steve Smith is stil banged up, but I think the Panthers are ticked about how bad they played last week.

CINCINNATI over Cleveland - Carson returns home, Browns have offense problmes, Bengals by 2 TD’s.

CHICAGO over Detroit - Bears ‘D’ is pretty scary. Lions ‘O’ is pretty scary in another way (i.e. ineptitude).

INDIANAPOLIS over Houston - Indy has become like the cowboys in the ’90s. When you play them you are also playing the referees, you automatically start with 6 penalties against you, they get none called on them.

New Orleans ove GREEN BAY - NO goes to 2-0 on the road, GB 0-2 at home? Yet, all we will hear is "poor Brett Favre", I just want him to leave football.

PHILADELPHIA over New Jersey Giants - Maybe Philly’s problem realy was T.O. I am not sold on Eli as a franchise.

BALTIMORE over Oakland - Oakland WR Jerry Porter said that he was not cheering when his own QB got sacked last week, because he was not even paying attention to the game. The NFL needs to step in and take this team away from Al Davis.

ATLANTA over Tampa Bay - I wonder how many more 3-int games Chris Simms has to have before somebody realizes HE CAN NOT PLAY!!!!

Arizona over SEATTLE - Cardinals rookie QB Matt Leinart has had a bad couple of weeks. He finds out he is going to be a daddy, gets crucified by the press over this, his ex-Paris Hilton is spotted hooking up with former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker, one of the ugliest men on the planet, and Kurt Warner was playing like he did during his MVP campaign. Seattle struggled to beat Detroit?

St.Louis over SAN FRANCISCO - STL should pound on a depleated SF ‘D’. look for a big day out of Steven Jackson.

DENVER over Kansas City - Denver rebounds nicely as LJ will be facing 9-man fronts due to Trent Green’s concusion, here is hoping Trent is able to play again after that hit.

NEW ENGLAND over New Jersey Jets - People are making a big deal out of Chad Penington’s stats from last week, remember he did that against the Titans, who are very young. Belichiek will have his ‘D’ ready and now that the Branch saga is over, Tom Brady will be focused.

SAN DIEGO over Tennessee - Shawn Merriman is the best defensive player in the league right now.

DALLAS over Washington - Redskins just don’t look like a cohesive team out there.

JACKSONVILLE over Pittsburgh - J’ville impresed me in handling Dallas last week. Yet I still am not sold on Leftwich.

Note: Author apologizes for breaking his moratorium on discussing Tom Cruise in any way, shape or form. That said, on with the ridicule.

Monday night I, like most American males, watch Monday Night Football. It does not matter who is playing; it is football on TV, therefore I must watch it. This week, The Minnesota Vikings faced off against the Washington Redskins (and the winner of the most offensive team name is?). The Redskins are owned by a megalomaniac by the name of Daniel Snyder. I have no idea how Daniel made his money, i know it was by convincing other people to give him money, but I do know that he is currently the Chairman of Six Flags. I am an Eagles fan, and as such I dislike the Redskins quite a lot. I really did not need another reason to dislike the Redskins, but then I watched the game on Monday. The cameras showed a shot of Daniel sitting in his owners box, but who was sitting next to him? You guessed it, none other than scientology’s champion, Tom Cruise.

I later remembered that Daniel recently has become Tom’s sugar daddy. He agreed to fund Tom’s production company after it was dismissed by (my current hero) Summer Redstone and Paramount Pictures.

Daniel Snyder got rich by making many shrewd business decisions, this can not be considered one of them. Daniel, as far as I know, has never produced a motion picture, nor been involved in the mythical land of "Hollywood". I somehow think that Paramount Pictures, which has been making films for a very long time, knows a good investment for that industry; Tom is no longer a good investment, hence his eviction from Paramount.

Daniel, now falls into a trap; he is supporting a terrorist organization. Scientology is a terrorist organization. Terrorist organizations routinely brainwash their members into believing nothing but what they want them to believe (see every scientology member). Terrorist organizations kidnap people (see Holmes, Katie) amid make it extremely difficult for people to leave their ranks (see Bergen, Candice). Terrorist organizations routinely attack other groups (see Toms assault on psychiatrists). This hack-ism needs to stop being discussed as a religion and considered a terrorist organization by the U.S.

I now must ask Daniel Snyder to cease his support of Tom Cruise. I have said it before and will say it again, supporting Tom Cruise means you are supporting scientology, and no-one wants to be known to support terrorist organizations. I truly believe that scientology is a bigger threat to the safety of the United States than Al-Qaeda or North Korea. They are attacking the US in the open from afar; scientology is already here and destroying from within.

I want to wish everyone a happy anti-terrorism day!

Five years ago on this day, America was turned completely upside down. The towers came down, terrorists were patting themselves on the back, saying that they had won, and that this was the supreme act of bravery on their part. They were convinced that this was the act that would get whatever the heck it is that they want, American troops out of the middle east, dead Israelies, new turbans, or whatever. They had killed thousands of Americans. They were riding high. They forgot one thing; The United States of America does not take kindly to being attacked on its own soil.

Recently, it seems the vogue thing to criticize American policy since 9/11. I like many, think it is ridiculous some of the things that are now in place, i.e no more carrying shampoo on the plane. Yet I look back, and I do believe that America as a whole is a safer place then it was five years ago.

The terrorists want Americans to live in fear. Therefore, carrying on life as normal is the one sure thing that I can do to fight terrorism. I am proud to be an American, I do not think that there is any other country I would rather be from. I myself have never oppressed any Arabs that I know of. I do not walk into a mall or a restaurant and think that it will be blown up. I believe that as soon as people do that, than the terrorists will have won.

I also beleive that try as we might, we will never understand the hatred that the Arabs have for the Israelies, vice versa, and the hatred that the varying sects of Islam have for each other. It is astonishing that the Sunis and Shiites are always on the brink of bloodshed. We rarely see that sort of animosity between the varying christian sects.

There is one thing that truly ticks me off. I dislike when I hear other arabs calling the terrorists "brave freedom fighters." Terrorism is the ultimate act of cowardice, in my humble opinion. We constantly hear about how terrorists are so devout in their beliefs and they will never stop fighting. If you beleive in your cause so much, why do you always appear behind a mask? Show your face and say you have no fear of being known. Hiding behind a mask is cowardice beyond belief, what it does is say "I am so strong in my beleifs that I do not want you to know who I am that beleives it."

This may seem a little right-wing of me, but whatever. I am kind of just rambling stream of concisousness.

"Paris Hilton arrested for DUI"

Note: Author again realizes that he is violating his promise not to discuss Paris Hilton in any way shape or form, but he though that this was too important not to mention.

This news may even be better than the pictures of Suri Cruise. Party Girl Paris was arrested for DUI. She also says that her feelings have been hurt and oh for the love of god who cares.

The fact that this amateur porn star has become such a celebrity is very upsetting to me. People giving tacit approval of the way she carries on in her life, because they like to see the train wreck that she is becoming (see also Lohan, Lindsay). She has managed to stretch her 15 minutes into 2 years now, and is on my list of people I have no interest in knowing anything about.

That said, on with the Picks:

(no spreads and the home team is in caps)

PITTSBURGH over Miami(this pick was made before the game)

Denver over ST.LOUIS - Does it really matter who the running back is? STL is going to surprise some people, but Denver is a bonafide Superbowl contender.

TENNESSEE over New Jersey Jets - Both of these teams are terrible, but somebody has to win.

NEW ENGLAND over Buffalo - Brady is ticked off still from last years playoffs, look out league. Do you really think a QB named J.P. is going to win in Foxboro?

TAMPA BAY over Baltimore - Amazingly I am picking a team lead by Chris Simms (the worst QB in the league not named Alex Smith).

Cincinnati over KANSAS CITY - The Bengals Defense may wish they actually were in prison after LJ and trent Green get done with them. The Problem for the Chefs is that they will be unable to stop Carson and CJ.

Seattle over DETROIT - You have to think that having a coach get arrested for DUI/and DWN (driving while nude - thought: maybe he was with Paris Hilton?) is going to affect your team.

CAROLINA over Atlanta - DeAngelo "The Cheapshotter" Hall violated the rule against trash talking at Steve Smith. Bad Hammys or not, I think he plays and torches the over-rated Falcons.

Philadelphia over HOUSTON - Wait, you mean the Texans took an under-performing DE over Reggie "The most Dynamic college player ever" Bush? Wow. You wonder how Houston was going to regress more from going 2-14 last year, but that is a good start.

New Orleans over CLEVELAND - Cleveland has had 9 different centers this preseason.

Dallas over JACKSONVILLE - Bledsoe makes people think he can play, T.O scores a TD and proceeds to kiss Coach Parcells full on the lips.

GREEN BAY over Chicago - Brett Favre is the greatest player ever, everyone says so, so it must be true. Therefore, the greatest player ever can never lose and it is a shame that he has to do it all himself and none of the 5 interceptions are his fault. (note that was sarcasm. Chicago wins)

ARIZONA over San Francisco - People will now get excited and think that the Cardinals are poised for a run to the playoffs, but wait, these are the Cardinals so therefore they have no shot.

Indy over NEW JERSEY GIANTS - I actually hope that a meteorite hits the stadium so we can stop with this nonsense about the Mannings.

WASHINGTON over Minnesota - I could actually care less about this game if I tried, but it would be hard. Minnesota has no idea what it is doing personnel wise.

Sand Diego over OAKLAND - Oakland is truly the most clueless franchise on the planet.

An open letter to god, allah, buddah, my ancestors and LL Ron Hubbard,

Thank you, thank you, thank you oh great deities of the world religions. One of you has made my life worth living again, I know that Suri Cruise is….A BABY!!! Thank you to Annie Leibovitz, she of the slightly bizarre baby pictures, for taking the pictures of Suri Cruise that have made my life worth living again. Thank you to Vanity Fair for publishing the pictures of Suri, Tom and Katie that portray them as a smiling happy completely normal family, that were taken by Annie Leibovitz, that have made my life worth living. Finally, thank you to TomKat (aren’t pet name so cute) for giving birth to a baby. This is an extraordinary accomplishment for the both of you. I mean, having a baby, something I have never heard of people doing before. The media is right to make such a big deal out of the birth of a baby, because it has obviously never happened before. Now, we get to see the pictures of your perfect human being. I feel like I am such a part of your life. I feel like I can not keep up this line of writing any more without becoming physically ill.

Item one: Suri Cruise is a baby, nothing more and nothing less. I am not sure why there has been this much obsession over a baby by the populace and the media. She is not any kind of messiah, despite Tom’s hopes. She is not anything but a baby. Can we please put this coverage to rest.

Item two: "Holmes says that the gossip "eats away at me because it’s just not OK." She continues, "This is my family, and I care so much about them. To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is—to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?"

This is heavy stuff. "…it’s just not OK." Wow, that is probably the worst indictment of the paparazzi I have ever heard. Yet, those of you who read my blog know that there are many levels to being "OK" (see my previous column "I’m ok, you ok?"). My interpretation of Katie’s ok, is that she is "happy" about Suri’s birth, "concerned" about Tom’s increasingly bizarre behavior, "upset" that she is never going to get married to Tom, "worried" that scientologists are going to brainwash young Suri into believing that she is the reincarnation of LL Bean himself.

Where does it come from Katie? From the couch-jumper that you saddled yourself to. From, his belief in the emperor Xenu, Zanu, Xena? you know the one that blew up all the good people with hydrogen bombs and made their souls attached to you, so that you have to grab an electric shock device, because you decided to ditch Christianity for scientology.

Item three: This point was raised by Molly, Suri looks to be of Asian descent. Now how could this happen? Maverick is white, Rachel Dawes is white, so how do they have an Asian baby? Theory one is that Tom had Katie artificially inseminated, and that it came from an Asian dude. This theory lends credence to the theory that Tom is really gay and this is all an act to hide that fact.

Item four: This is just because I can not say enough about it, Summer Redstone still is on my list of heroes for being the first to say no to scientology. He at least gets "it". That "it", is that scientologists are completely insane. The beliefs of these radicals need to be quashed. Dan Snyder, on the other hand, thinks that Lt. Daniel Caffey is a viable investment and is now funding his wackiness. I am not sure why Dan has not been arrested by the US Government for funding a terrorist organization. Contributing money to Jerry Maguire is akin to funding terrorism, so why is it allowed?

Author’s note: I hereby promise to not discuss Thomas Cruise anymore (at least not until he does something incredibly stupid, again; just wait, you know it is coming). The amount of my brain I have dedicated to pointing out his obvious flaws is staggering. I believe I will now be able to set my mind to better uses, such as helping the government with their monarch butterfly problem. I do not promise to stop discussing scientology, someone has to point out how ridiculous it is, and it might as well be me.