Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

Just because my AFC predictions were not enough, it is time for more shocking NFC predictions.

NFC East:

1. Washington Redskins - This is the hardest division to predict, as every team has a legitimate chance of clinching the title. Washington has the best coaching staff and just tons of players. They will not win if Portis is not healthy, and Mark Brunell can not duplicate his success of last year.

2. Philadelphia Eagles - The defense is going to keep them in alot of games, Donte Stallworth gives them a home run threat at wideout, but i do not think they have enough weapons on offense. They will not win if the offense struggle too much.

3. Dallas Cowboys - Due to the circus caused by "the player" I do not believe that the ‘boys have a a real chance at taking the division. Their defense is going to be nasty, but I do not think their secondary is all that spectacular. They failed to address their most glaring need on the O-line, and Bledsoe is not known for his mobility and quick release.

4. NY Giants - Another East team that could either win the division or finish last. The only real noise coming out of NY is Jeremy Shockey (big surprise). Tiki is over 30 and backs break down at that age. O-line is a concern here.

NFC North

1. Chicago Bears - The Bears of this year will be roughly akin to the Bears of 2001. They will win 12-13 games and then get exposed for the frauds that they are in the playoffs. Great great Defensive team but their QB’s are useless, and both running backs are banged up/not that good. They have no real wideout threats nor a capable TE. They win the division based on their defense.

2. Detroit Lions - The team that finishes second in the North is going to have no more than 6 wins. So why not the Lions. I think they are sort of on the right track now, but they will not be a viable contender until Millen is gone. Their QB situation is just bad, I like Kitna but he is a career backup, McCown is well Josh McCown.

3. Minnesota Vikings - A team that pins it’s hopes on Brad Johnson is in for a big surprise. They have no WR threat, and Chester Taylor is a good change-up back, not a starter. They have no LB’s but their DL could be decent.

4. Green Bay Packers - Brett Favre threw an interception against the Bengals on Monday, and Joe Theisman quickly announced that it was not his fault, that the ball tipped off of Donald Driver’s hand. Yes Joe, it did, because Driver had to leap 10 feet into the air to even get a finger tip on it. Favre looks horrible out there, he is just jamming his past legacy at the Packers in order to get another paycheck. Due to Favre, the Pack is not a contender. Did you ever think that you would hear that being said?

NFC South:

1. Carolina - On paper, all the pieces are there for a Superbowl run. I see question marks at the RB position, inexperience and injury concerns, plus the inevitable Keyshawn blow-up for not getting "thrown the damn ball". Defense has safety concerns, but they are one of the favorites to take it all.

2.  Atlanta - The Falcons will still be fighting for the division on the strength of their defense alone. They will not make the playoffs due to Michael Vick. Vick has simply shown that he is an average NFL QB. Yes he makes highlight reel plays, but that is it. He is not going to go out and win you a game ala Tom Brady.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Tampa is much the same as Atlanta, great defense, useless quarterback. Chris Simms was never able to go out and win games at Texas, plus he could not clearly beat out Major Applewhite. People seem to think that he is his dad, or are afraid of his dad and thus afraid to criticize Chris.

4. New Orleans Saints - The main reason to watch the Saints; Reggie Bush. The reason not to watch the Saints; their defense is terrible. Also, these are the Saints so can you really expect them to do anything at all?

NFC West:

1. Seattle Seahawks - Forget all the Superbowl hangover stuff, if they stay healthy, the ‘hawks will be fighting for the NFC title again. Loaded on offense, Nate Burleson will only help their receiving corps. They continue to have concerns at Cornerback, but they play in an easy division so they will be in the playoffs.

2. Arizona Cardinals - I am basing this position on Matt Leinart becoming the starter over Kurt Warner at some point this season. I think that this is the year they make a serious improvement. Defense will be stout and they have too many weapons on offense no tot be good, unless of course their O-line can not open holes for Edge.

3. St. Louis Rams - The greatest show on turf has a new coach that wants to pound the ball with the running game. Defense will continue to be a concern for the Rams. I just don’t see them doing too much this year.

4. San Francisco 49ers - I would like to point out that the niners took Alex Smith number one overall a year ago when had they drafted somebody else they would have had a chance at Leinart, Cutler or even Brodie Croyle this year, and Brady Quinn next year. Smith played in a crazy shotgun/5-wide system at Utah and has shown no inclination towards picking up the pro-game. Defense is too young and lacks play makers. Keep on rebuilding by the bay.

NFC Wild Card:

Arizona (6) at Chicago(3) - Cardinals no match for Bears at Soldier field

Eagles (5) at Washington (4) - After splitting in the regular season, Philly in the upset.

NFC Divisional Playoffs :

Eagles (5) at Carolina (1) - Panthers ‘D’ too much for Birds

Chicago (3) at Seattle (2) - Seattle handles the Bears

NFC Championship

Seattle (2) at Carolina (1) - Rematch of last year ends the same, Hasselbeck and the ‘Hawks head back to the superbowl

Champion: Seattle

Well, it is that time again. Football season has come at us, like a runaway truck. America’s favorite sport starts up in two weeks, so i figured I would tell you how the NFL will look at the end of the year.

Divisional Finishes:

AFC East:

1. New England Patriots - Big shock here, that I pick the pats to win. Somehow Brady and Belichik keep finding ways to win, defense will need to stay healthy for them to go deep in the playoffs.

2. Miami Dolphins - They are a wild card team at best. Daunte "The Human Turnover Machine" needs to prove that he can play without Randy Moss. Dolphins receiving corps is vastly over-rated. Saban has them headed in the right direction, but Cullpepper is not their answer at QB.

3. Buffalo Bills - I have seen nothing that says this team will be anything but a doormat this year, they are third because the Jets are worse. Should be in-line to draft Brady Quinn and admit JP Losman is a failure.

4. New York Jets - They have no QB, do not believe the Kellen Clemens hype. Barlow is not a running back answer, no skill players at all on offense, and outside of Jon Vilma on defense they have nothing spectacular as well. Will Draft Adrian Petersen.

AFC North:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers- Ben "The helmetless" keeps on winning games and making it look easy. Pittsburgh just keeps finding ways to replace players. I am not sold on their RB’s Willie Parker just always seems to have one run of 50yards and all his other runs go for maybe 2 yards. Duce is trying to eat himself past the bus. Defense as always will be nasty, though their corners are not that spectacular.

2. Cincinnati Bengals - "Bionic" Carson looked real sharp in his pre-season debut, but I wonder if he can translate that into the regular season. Loads of talent, and could win the division if Palmer is all the way back, or if their defense does not spend the season in Jail.

3. Baltimore Ravens - Steve McNair and Derrick Mason have looked fantastic in the preseason, giving the Ravens a legit shot at the division. Unfortunately McNair will get hurt by week two and spend 8-10 weeks on the disabled list. Defense has a great secondary but an aging front 7.

4. Cleveland Browns - Would be a different team with LeCharles Bently, unfortunately this team has been killed by injuries on their line. Defense needs to step up to keep them in games. Next year should contend for a playoff spot.

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis Colts - Too good not to win the division. Will steamroll everyone until the playoffs as always.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Much tougher schedule this year so they will not be a 12 win team like last year. Inexperienced wideouts and TE’s will put more strain on Fred Taylor and he has not shown he can stay healthy. Defense will keep them around in games, but Leftwich will throw int’s when the game is on the line.

3. Houston Texans - The 5th year of their rebuilding continues and will continue into a 6th year. Two words for the team OFFENSIVE LINE, just having skill players does no good if your QB has .0000003 seconds to throw the ball. Defense is a work in progress (still), they will regret no taking Reggie Bush.

4. Tennessee Titans - Vince Young has shown nothing in the pre-season and is now pouting because they brought in Kerry Collins to back-up Billy Volek, who is a Jeff Tedford product, and his qb’s always do sooooooooo well in the pros. Memo to all teams, never draft a guy named "Pac-man".

AFC West:

1. Denver Broncos - "Snake" Plummer is playing on fire right now as hotshot rookie Jay Cutler is breathing down his neck. The offense will continue to have 1200 yard rbs as long as shannahan is there. Defensive line needs to get more pressure on opposition otherwise they will fall short of the super bowl again.

2. Kansas City Chiefs - Larry Johnson is a beast, but he needs good blocking up front. I like Trent green a lot, very quietly puts up great numbers every year. Their wr’s are not the greatest but Tony Gonzales is. Herm Edwards is a defense first guy so maybe he can get the Chiefs ‘D’ to play better.

3. San Diego Chargers - Team will either win the division or miss the playoffs, i bet on the latter. Rivers is too inexperienced. Schottenheimer will be fired by the end of the season.

4. Oakland Raiders - Will be in the Brady Quinn sweepstakes. Just an awful awful team.

AFC Playoffs:

Wild Card:

Bengals (6) at Denver (3) - Bengals upset Broncos.

Kansas City(5) at Pittsburgh(4) - Chiefs stun the defending champs

Divisional Round:

Bengals (6) at Colts (1) - Bengals win another road game here and send Indy back to the drawing board, again.

Chiefs (5) at Patriots (2) - New England in a battle

Championship

Bengals (6) at Patriots (2) - Pats hang on in an epic battle.

AFC Champion - Patriots (big surprise)

I went to sleep last night with lots of different things on my mind. Is the latest mid-east peace going to hold? (no) Are the Sox ever going to win a game again (yes, they did last nite)? How the heck am I going to pack the rest of my stuff in three days? These are just a few of the things running through my brain when I turned off the lights and slipped off to dreamland. One thing that I thought I would never need to think about was that as sure as the sun rises and sets, there were going to be 9 planets in our solar system (barring a major stellar cataclysm, which would probably be really cool to see). Now I find out, there was no cataclysm (rats) but we only have 8 planets in the Solar System.

"After a tumultuous week of clashing over the essence of the cosmos, the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of the planetary status it has held since its discovery in 1930." How dare they?! One of the first mnemonic devices we all learned was to remember the names of all the planets. My Very Elderly Mother Just Saw Uncle Norman’s Pants, now if we drop the "P" at the end of the device we will never know what your elderly mother saw of Uncle Norman.

"The decision by the prestigious international group spells out the basic tests that celestial objects will have to meet before they can be considered for admission to the elite cosmic club." My question is that should not the members of this cosmic club decide the tests that are required for admission? The Astronomers club is now making the decisions for the planets. I am sure that they are going to bias the test against certain types of celestial bodies. How the heck do you give a potential planet a test anyway? Is it going to be true or false, multiple choice or essay format? 

Well, I for one have decided to disregard this decision to demote Pluto. I will continue to call it the planet Pluto, not the dwarf planet Pluto, or even Mickey Mouse’s dog. I will continue to observe the 9 planets in our solar system, at least until Pluto crashes into Neptune, or Jupiter becomes a second sun ala 2010.

"Paramount Cuts Ties With Tom Cruise"

Author’s note: I realize that this column will be violating my statement of not making a comment about anything good or bad that happens to Tom Cruise after being the first to effectively cut ties with this crackpot. Yet I felt that this was too big a story not to comment about. That said, on with the ridicule….

Actual Quotes from Paramount executives:

"As much as we like him personally,we thought it was wrong to renew his deal." - You see, right there, that is a lie. Movie executives only like people that make them money on their movies, and well Maverick just hasn’t been the draw since he got off his meds and started grabbing the e-meter too much.

"Redstone estimated that Cruise’s off-screen behavior cost his latest movie, "Mission: Impossible III," $100 million to $150 million in ticket sales" - Now why do you think that is? You mean people were not going to spend $10-15 a ticket to see Ethan Hunt saving the world, after jumping up and down on a couch, telling Matt Lauer that (despite his not graduating from high school) he knew more about prescription drugs and psychology than any doctor who, I don’t know, went to school to study those things, has effectively kidnapped and brainwashed a girl right in front of the public, and claims to have sired the first perfect "human" being (the so-called Suri)? Why would people not want to go see Ethan save the world?

Redstone said. "But we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot." - I am not sure what else needs to be said about Jerry Maguire.

I applaud Paramount for being the first to say no to Scientology. You are aware that that is what they are doing. L.Ron’s number one disciple will soon make some sort of lunatic statement about due to his religious (*cough*) beliefs he is being persecuted by Paramount. I expect that he will call for his fellow kool-aid drinkers; Vincent Vega, Brody/Earl, the Lady who played Vince Vaughn’s wife in Old School, and any other lunatic, to boycott working for Paramount because Paramount is opposed to Scientology.

This is a mission, we can not allow this heroic stance by this company to go unheard. Paramount must be supported in all aspects of their work. Buy Paramount stock, watch Paramount movies, TV-shows, publications, whatever you can do to make sure they stay alive. When you support Paramount, you are helping to defeat Scientology. Anyone who fights scientology is ok by me.

"Hey! How you doin’?", "I am ok." A seemingly innocuous answer to a friendly question. Usually, this question is asked in passing, with the ask-er not really caring how the askee is doing. However, many friends and family members actually do care how you are feeling. There must be something wrong with my tone because when I say "I am ok", lately I am inevitably asked a follow up question, "Why? What is wrong?" I was unaware it was not a good thing to simply be ‘ok’; or why people automatically think that something is wrong with me because I am simply ‘ok’. It is not to say I do not appreciate the concern over my well being, that means a lot to me, but, like most guys, I am not what you would call "open" with my feelings.

During the past two years, I would usually answer that question with the response of "hectic" or "frazzled" or even "annoyed". These feelings could be chalked up to my crazy schedule of school and work, so I was never asked the "why" question. I wonder if I answered that now, would I get the same "why" question, or would people want to know why I am hectic/annoyed/frazzled because school is over.

I think that being "ok" is actually a summation of a bunch of different feelings. Several of these feelings are polar opposites, therefore making the overall mood of a person right in the middle which, to me is "ok". With this in mind, here is why I am simply "ok".

Work is particularly slow during August, so my mood could be described as "bored." Romantically, Lauren and I are enjoying the havoc caused by our refusal to label our relationship so "amused" and "happy" fits that part of my emotional make-up. Socially, everything is "fine" between my friends and I, no outstanding acrimony that I am aware of. I am "frustrated" with the Red Sox, "apathetic" towards the Phillies, and "anxious" about the start of the Pats and Eagles seasons. "Stoked" for this weekend at the lake. "Giddy with excitement" for the impending nuptials of Emma and Mark. "Annoyed" with my attempts to figure out what is going on with my moving and, "Upset" with the events of the other day.

All of these feelings are currently swirling about in my psyche. I wonder if when I am asked how I am, if I should answer with all of that or sum it up with the simple answer of, "I am ok." Is that ok?

I have a small quirk in my personality. Every so often I find something extremely funny, that while it may be funny other people do not find it as hysterical as I do. This is not just something I chuckle over, I am talking absolute uncontrollable laughter. I will laugh about this thing for hours and hours on end. I had such an episode on Wednesday night. Lauren, Kenric and I went to see Pirates 2 (fantastic movie, you can see my review on my page). The great thing about seeing movies is of course the previews. This time out, we got to see the coming attraction for "The Guardian" starring (wait for it) Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher!!!!! Basic plot, it is the same as An Officer and a Gentleman, only this time they are in the Coast Guard instead of the Navy (which in Hollywood minds, means it is an entirely different film because they are incapable of original ideas). This movie is the most ridiculous thing I have seen a trailer for in a long time. The worst thing about it is how serious Ashton and Kevin are trying to be in the scenes they showed. Actual Dialog:

Ashton: "How do you decide who lives and who dies?"

Kevin: "I swim as hard as I can, as fast as I can, and the sea takes the rest."

Wow, so deep, so moving; Kevin, look for your Oscar nominee to be coming for that scene alone. The abject lunacy of this movie is starling. I can not believe that any studio in good consciousness could distribute this. The production costs must be amazing, as the film involves water. I am not sure who’s movie this is either. Is it Costner’s starring role or is it Kutcher’s? So who are they trying to attract to see it? How are they going to make their money back.

I was literally in tears later that night just thinking about how ridiculous the idea of this movie is. Though I have decided to adopt Costner’s quote as my personal motto/words to live by.

Over the past couple of weeks, a frog has been overtly attracted to my parent’s pool. He is obviously attracted to the large body of water in an attempt to cool himself off from the scorching heat. When he gets into the water, he either gets sucked into the skimmer to await rescue, or is caught by Robert or Judith or myself and thrown back into the woods.

Yesterday, Robert and I got back to Gunning Dr after work and Molly tells me that the frog is back sitting on the wall about to jump into the pool. So I walk outside and grab a bucket to put him into. The frog proceeds to jump into the pool and swim around. After a small chase I grab him in the bucket and decide that we need to take him further away than the woods. The frog then jumps out of the bucket and heads right back towards the pool, causing Mols to jump back out of its way. I must admit, for such a small frog this sucker could jump. Anyhow, I catch him again and cover the bucket with the top of our old skimmer, thereby neutralizing its escape avenue. The decision is made to take him down to the nearby creek and release him there. However, I need both hands to keep the skimmer net over the bucket, so Molly, still wrapped in a towel from her swim, grabs my keys and drives us over to the creek where we released the frog into the cool of Shellpot Creek. Molly then remarked that if this was a cartoon, we would see the frog attached to the back window of my truck as we drove away, haunting us.

I am sure that we are going to find another frog in the pool during this heat wave.