The Most Pressing Issue in the World.
Israel recently launched an offensive against Hezbollah positions in Lebanon. One of the last Warlords surrendered to Islamic Militants in Mogadishu. The United States and other nations have recently threatened Iran with punishment should they continue with their nuclear plan. The world is a crazy crazy place these days, but the number one problem that needs to be dealt with; Where is Suri Cruise?
OK let’s see, what do we know or think we know. Apparently Suri "No I will not need therapy because my father is a complete and utter wacko" Cruise has not been seen yet by the public. The Cruise-Holmes camp recently turned down an offer of $1.5 million for photos of the child, because it was not as much as the $4million given to the Pitt-Jolie’s for the photos of Shiloh. (I am glad that the Pitt-Jolie’s turned the money over to charity, they definitely put their money where their mouth is). Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes are still not married. Last but not least, Tom Cruise believes that he has the souls of people, that were blown up by an evil alien emperor, attached to his body and holds onto an electric shock device to cleanse himself of them. (this is true, even I can not make it up)
Suri is now several months old and cares mostly about sleeping and eating. I am not sure why the public is obsessed with seeing this newborn. Here is a hint, it looks like any other new-born child!!! The amount of resources directed at figuring out whether or not Katie actually had a baby, or an alien, or the reincarnated LL Bean Ron Hubbard is completely and utterly ridiculous.
I am sure that this is all part of some bizarre scientologist newborn ritual. Maybe they have a silent childhood, much like the silent birth. Any time the child cries it is zapped by the e-meter; after all, they must prevent blown-up souls from attaching to the child.
However, I realize it is important to know whether or not Katie had a baby, since the wedding is never going to happen, we need to know what to call the child; illegitimate or born in sin.
(the author realizes that he is breaking his word on not talking about Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, but the whereabouts of Suri are too important not to be discussed.)
July 12th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
I have been thinking about this in passing… I think that Holmes had a stillbirth or something. Hell, maybe she woke up and saw what kind of world this baby would be growing up in, went schizo, and killed her! Point is, with the papparazzi as omnipresent as they are AND the fact that not even their closest SCIENTOLOGY friends have seen this supposed child yet, it kind of lends me to believe something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Maybe the child was born black and Tom realizes Katie got some Jungle Fevah from a departed soul of an alien!
Maybe the child was born with severe deformaties!
Then again maybe Katie Holmes was just really fat and they made the whole pregnancy thing up.
August 29th, 2006 at 8:26 am
I wonder if the issue here isn’t about it being Katie Holmes. I note we are much more tolerant about Angelina Jolie’s eccentricities, because she’s hotter and wasn’t in First Daughter. Do you think if Tom Cruise was with a foxier lady, we’d be more inclined to sympathize?