Thoughts in a Skitoliv World

I hate clowns. I am not afraid of them, I just hate them. You, my dear readers, know of my dislike for scientology, France, the New York Yankees and Paris Hilton; yet this pales in comparison to how much I hate clowns.

Reason Number One that Clowns Suck: They never leave you alone. Amazing as it may seem, The Skitoliv World does not like to be annoyed (shock from all readers), clowns do not make you laugh, they just annoy you. There you are at some event, be it a birthday party, circus, country fair or political convention and somebody has to ruin said event by hiring a clown. The clown will find the one person that wants absolutely nothing to do with this clown and proceed to harass and annoy the person until they snap. I think when a clown goes to "clown college" they install a radar to find people that want nothing to do with the clown. Here comes the clown up to you "oh smell my flower", and you reply "Go away clown", "come on, smell my flower!", "If I do that, it will squirt me with water." "No, it won’t just smell the flower", "If you do not get the heck away from me right now, I will stab you with my toothpick!", "It is just a flower" and this will go on and on and on, until the person stabs the clown with the toothpick. I do not see the humor that people find in seeing someone so annoyed by a clown that they they try to stab it to death with a toothpick.

Reason Number Two that Clowns Suck: The people that become clowns have deep rooted problems. Who wakes up in the morning and decides that they want to be a clown? What is wrong with you that you want to be a clown? Clowns scare children and are loathed by adults. Therefore, deciding to become a clown means that you want to be hated by everyone. Outside of the french, no one likes clowns. You want to be hated, become a clown.

Reason Number Three that Clowns Suck: They hide behind their makeup. What are you hiding underneath all that paint? Why must you hide yourself to the world? Also, did you purposely make your self up to look like John Wayne Gacy? I dislike people that will not show their face. It smells of cowardice. You know who wears masks? Terrorists, wear masks. They are such believers in their cause, that they are afraid to show their faces. Ridiculous.

Anyway, there it is. So my advice to you dear readers, don’t be a clown, or a scientologist.

Yes, it is true, I turned 30 on Saturday. Somehow I made it to 30. My thanks to all of you who sent me b-day wishes.

The Duck, Madness, Kangrilla and I spent saturday down in Bethany Beach. We really did not do too much, had dinner at Dogfish Head Brewery, which was really good. Then we went to the Bottle and Cork and saw two different bands. On the whole it was a really really good day.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20070514/D8P4BLKG0.html

Thanks to The Duck for pointing this story out.

John Sweeney hero of the fight against scientology. "Sweeney said his outburst came while he was touring a Scientology exhibition in Los Angeles, "Psychiatry: Industry of Death." The exhibit included a mock-up of a Nazi torture chamber, he said, adding that he lost it in the "Mind Control" section of the exhibition."

John, I hope you do not lose your job. I expect better of the BBC, than to bow to the wishes of a fanatical cult. Scientologists a free to practice their mumbo-jumbo (actual name of scientology doctrine, I am not making this up), John you are free to flip out on them and ask Travolta if he belongs to a cult. People are free to criticize you followers of LL Bean Ron Hubbard, I am surprised you are not used to it by now.

…who the hell is going to go see this movie?

The dramatic-biography of Puerto Rican salsa pioneer Hector Lavoe. The film follows Lavoe’s (Anthony) passionate relationship with Puchi (Lopez) and his skyrocket to international fame. But even when he has it all, Lavoe is unable to escape the allure of drugs and his personal pain.

This is so awesome….The Skitoliv World labels El CANANAnanATANTTAe its favorite for next years Best Picture Oscar.

Paris Hilton is reportedly going to jail for 45 days. This is the major story of the world right now. Apparently there is a petition on the Governor of California (Conan the Barbarian/Terminator) Arnold’s desk, to pardon Paris. I am sorry, aren’t pardons generally reserved for people that could actually be innocent? Paris got busted for DUI, had her license suspended but proceed to be constantly photographed driving. So it comes as  big shock, to her, that she got pulled over for driving with a suspended license. Of course Paris countered that cops pull her over all the time to flirt with her. This is so ridiculous. I actually do not expect Paris to spend any time at all in jail. More importantly, I do not care if she does.

Jennifer Lopez is receiving death threats from PETA members. I hate PETA. They have forgotten that Humans have evolved to be the dominate species on the planet. If cows, animals killed for their fur, and other animals really wanted to be saved, they would evolve. Look, it is PETA’s right to protest people wearing fur, but it is those individuals right to wear fur.

The Duck and I saw Spiderman 3 last weekend. I was not very good. They spent too much time whining about their relationships with each other and not enough time with over-the-top action sequences. They finally fell into the "Batman" trap of having no story and too many villains. I hope they can get the series back on track, make it simple, bad guy wants to fight Spiderman, so they do, bad guy kidnaps Mary Jane, and Spider man has to save her. There we go.

Just a few things that are running through my head right now….

*We have moved ISP from NJ over to Wilmington and I could not be happier. I realized that my commute was slowly killing me. In the morning, I would arrive at work highly annoyed due to the traffic on 295 and 42. Then in the evening I would get home and not want to do anything at all. A long commute really takes tons and tons out of you. My commute has dropped form over an hour to under 10min depending on the traffic lights.

*I am looking for a house, though I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it. Fortunately, The Duck’s brother-in-law (JG) has offered to give me some advice, hopefully it will be good advice.

*The Duck and I are rapidly approaching one year of being each others "Duck". That is a really long time.

*How does Jamie Kennedy keep getting work? I saw a preview for a movie called "Kickin’ it Old School" where apparently he break dances or something. I know, i know, "Son of The Mask" and "Malibu’s Most Wanted" were too successful not to give him more work..wait you man they sucked too? This is ridiculous Hollywood, just freakin stop!

*Suri Cruise turned one year old. Papa Tom gave her "Baby’s-first-E-meter". Mama Katie gave her "Baby’s-first-un-brainwashing-kit."

*A note to all would-be gunmen, you are doing it in reverse, you are supposed to shoot yourself first.

That is all I have right now. I have been very very busy with work, check back next week when I detail my hatred of clowns.

I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent individual. I can tell you the capitols of all the states. I can talk at length about the functionality of various political entities. I know various authors collection of work. I can walk, talk and chew gum at the same time.

I know who Virgie Arthur and Larry Birkhead are. I want this knowledge out of my brain. The fact that the general populace has an obsession with knowing all the details of this white-trash soap opera upsets me greatly. Larry Birkhead or Howard K. Stern; did it really matter which of these users was the father of Vicky Marshall’s baby? I am not sure how the media-fueled hype over this "major story" has helped the country at all. Does knowing this information stop the genocide and starvation in Darfur? Did it cease the sectarian violence in Iraq? No, it did not. Yet the media and various other tabloids continue to shove this garbage at us. It is not just Access Hollywood, it is MSNBC, FoxNews and CNN covering this DNA test like it really is an important thing to know. I am sorry, is this child the messiah, did her mother cure cancer and I was unaware? No, this is just mindless crap that these news outlets need to fill up their 24-hour news day. I just think they could fill their shows with more important news!

I also know that Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are no longer BFFs. How do I know this? CNN tells me so! Apparently, Paris does not like that Kim has received so much more attention of late. Why is she receiving this much attention? BECUASE SHE DID A PORN TAPE!!! That is what it is. When you film yourself having sex with another individual, it is Porn. Both of these media whores are famous for being porn-stars; yet they are not treated like other porn-stars, i.e. shunned by the "legitimate" side of Hollywood. This is just crazy, there is not enough going on right now in the world, that CNN has to devote time to who Paris Hilton considers her "friend"?

I know who Sanjaya is. He/she (I am not sure), apparently is ruining American Idol. CNN tells me that people are voting for him/her because he/she is the worst singer. Wow! You mean people are treating American Idol as a joke? I also know that Howard Stern (not the now-non-father of Vicky Marshall’s baby) is encouraging his idiots to vote for him/her because he wants to destroy the show. Stop telling me these things. I can not believe that the voters would not respect the sanctity that is American Idol.

I know these things and many other things. These last three, I do not want to know, I want to stop these things from assaulting my mind. If it does not stop, I will start forgetting things, like algebra.

I’m ready to play! I love the sport of Baseball. I loved playing it, i was not very good but I loved playing it. I could run pretty fast and I caught almost every ball hit my way, yet I suffered from one problem in the hitting department; I was afraid of the ball. It is true, I was afraid every single time that I went up to the plate, I was afraid I was going to get hit with the pitch. You may think this was an irrational fear, but you are talking about little kids with control-challenged arms. I knew that if I ever let down my fear, I would get plunked.

Today, my love of baseball extends to watching games throughout the summer. That said, it is time for The Skitoliv World Baseball Spectacular!!! Last year the Skitoliv World predicted that the St. Louis Cardinals would win the World Series, low and behold, they did. Of course, I said they would beat the Angels, who did not even make the playoffs, but the point is I was correct in my prediction. Here we go, an overview of the leagues and the coming season.

AL East - As always, this division comes down to the Red Sox and The Yankees. The Sox have a wicked rotation with the addition of Matsuzaka, and the Yankees are actually counting on Carl Pavano to make a major impact (ha ha). The Yankees line up is more lethal than the Sox, but they have more soap opera issues than any other team in the league. I could go on about these two but I will let it alone for now. The Blue Jays just don’t have enough. The D-Rays have too many outfielders and not enough pitching, and the Orioles remain owned by Peter Angelos so that precludes them from being any good. Predicted Finish - 1. Boston 2. New York, 3. Toronto, 4. Tampa Bay, 5. Baltimore

AL Central - The Tigers surprised everyone to make the World Series last year, and they decided that in order to win the Series they needed to add Gary Sheffield, who is runner-up to Bar-roid in the most miserable person on the planet contest. Sheffield is a clubhouse cancer where ever he goes. The Twins continue to surprise people by winning division titles and Santana is just filthy. The Indians underachieved last year and I am not as sold on their rotation as many other people. The White Sox great championship rotation of two years ago ran out of gas last year, and they did nothing to fix it. The Royals, well I hope they can be better. Projected Finish - 1. Minnesotta, 2. Detroit, 3. Cleveland, 4. Chicago, 5. Kansas City

AL West - This is a two team race between Anaheim and Oakland. Anaheim needs to get more protection for Vlad Guerrero and their answer was the HGH-clouded Gary Matthews Jr and Shea Hillenbrand, not the best of answers. Oakland needs to stay healthy. Texas has one heck of a line up but continue to not have any pitching at all. Seattle thinks that Jeff Weaver will help their rotation (ha!). Projected Finish 1. Anaheim, 2. Oakland, 3. Texas, 4. Seattle.

NL East - The Mets have tons of pitiching questions. The Phillies have no bullpen. The Braves are young in certain areas and old in other ones, plus they continue to try and rely on Mike Hampton. The Marlins are really young and do not have a closer. The Nationals will lose almost 120 games. Projected Finish - 1. New York, 2. Philadelphia, 3. Florida, 4. Atlanta, 5. Washington

NL Central - The Cardinals have real problems in their rotation past Carpenter. The Cubs spent tons and tons of money but it was for guys like Jason Marquis and Ted Lilly (bad, bad pitchers). Houston lost both Pettite and The Rocket. The Brewers appear to be building well and are loaded, but they are still the Brewers. Cincy is a weird team that is handicapped by their reliance on Ken Griffey Jr. The Pirates are just awful and too young. Projected Finish - 1. Chicago (sure why not) 2. Houston, 3. Milwaukee 4. St. Louis 5. Cincinnati, 6. Pittsburgh.

NL West - Los Angeles appears to be the best team on paper, but they also suffer from lots of paper cuts, everyone on their team is made of glass and spends lots of time on the DL. San Diego needed an offensive upgrade over last year, and their only addition is a guy named Kouzmanoff. Colorado is another young team and their pitchers get so demoralized pitching in the mile high air. Many people are touting the Diamondbacks as they welcomed back the Big Unit, but he is another miserable guy and a bad teammate. The Giants have to deal with the circus that is Bar-roid, yeah he is gonna break the record, but so what, some one else will come along and break it eventually. Projected Finish - 1. Los Angeles, 2. San Diego, 3. Arizona, 4. Colorado, 5. San Francisco.

Playoffs

NL Divisionals - Los Angeles over New York, Philadelphia over Chicago

NL Championship - Los Angeles over Philadelphia (this is more of a prayer than anything else)

AL Divisionals - Boston over Minnesotta, Anaheim over New York

AL Championship - Boston over Anaheim (another prayer)

World Series - Boston over Los Angeles - Big shock I know, but I beleive the Sox have all the peices for a good run this year.

STOP COVERING ANYTHING REGARDING VICKY (ANNA NICOLE SMITH) MARSHALL!!!!!! IT IS NOT NEWS!!!! NO ONE GIVES A DAMN THAT A GOLDDIGGING BIMBO OVERDOSED ON DRUGS!!!! That is all, thank you - The Skitoliv World

"The Departed" claimed the Academy of Motion Pictures coveted "Best Picture" award several weeks ago. The Skitoliv World finally had a chance to watch this so-called "Best Picture last week. Viewing this film with The Skitoliv World were, HRHEJC, Big Jude, Lizz-er, A-Pells and The Commander.

The Departed stars Leo "I am a permanent 12-year old" DiCaprio, Matt "MATT DAMON" Damon, and Jack "I am not acting like a crazy person, I really am crazy and no-one can tell" Nicholson. DiCaprio portrays a Massachusetts state police officer sent undercover by Martin Sheen and Marky Mark Wahlberg, to further their efforts to arrest Nicholson. However, unbeknown to Sheen, Nicholson has placed Damon into the State Police as his informant.

The story appears to be a good one. You can expect lots of double crosses and intrigue as the two informants attempt to find out about each other. Here is the main problem with the movie; it was terrible. Damon was absolutely atrocious, you never got any kind of depth or emotion from him, it was as if he was reading lines off of cue cards. Nicholson just acted like a crazy person with a really bad Southey accent. Marky Mark was nominated for an Oscar for his role and no-one can explain why, all he did on screen was punch people in the face and call them Mother F******s. I am serious. If you look in the script his only lines are "Yeah, you are a real smart MF’er!" and "Come on MF’er! Come on!" Martin Sheen and Alec Baldwin’s roles each could have been played by any actor. DiCaprio, as much as it pains me to say it, was the best part of the movie. You really got the impression that he was strung out and having all kinds of anxiety attacks as he is drawn deeper and deeper into Nicholson’s world.

I would like to share some opinions from the assembled after the viewing of this piece of garbage.

Big Jude, "Why did that win? No really I am serious. Why did that win?"

HRHEJC, "I want those two hours of my life back."

Lizz-er, "That sucked. I mean, that really sucked."

A-Pells, "That had the most unnecessary sex scene ever. Not gratuitous at all, just unnecessary."

The Skitoliv World, "What is it with DiCaprio being in movies that really suck but win Best Picture, see Titanic."

The Commander "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" (he was asleep)

I am aware that my words can not do justice to how bad this movie was. Please do not see it.